


One Night Stand

by dark_and_terrible



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, High School, Love/Hate, Modern Era, One Night Stands, Opposites Attract, POV Kylo Ren, POV Rey (Star Wars), Past Relationship(s), Sex, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 10:03:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 36,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14932157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_and_terrible/pseuds/dark_and_terrible
Summary: "Someone you know?""Yeah," Rey sighed, slapping the magazine shut and tossing it into the bin."And?""We slept together the night before we graduated and I never heard from him again,""Ouch," Lima said, sipping on the iced green tea she'd made for herself."Yeah, ouch,"





	1. Working Girl

☢

Coruscant City - 11 AM June 5th

Rey 'Daisy' Brown had made her fifteenth caramel machiatto for the day, and she was sure she was going to make a few more. Usually around this time, it slowed down, as all of the worker bees were already at work and it was just before lunch. There was a lull, and Rey, after wiping every thing down, took a moment to flip through one of the magazines that had floated in in someone's hand and had been left behind. It was the 'Coruscant Weekly', a free newspaper that generally detailed the goings-on around the city. Something about the cover had caught her attention, a picture of a sculpture that she thought she recognized. 

Her coworker, Lima, came up behind her and looked over her shoulder as Rey flipped to the article. She quickly realized why the art on the cover looked so familiar, it belonged to Ben 'Kylo Ren' Solo, and he had certainly improved since when they were in high school together. She read a few of the words in the article, and begrudgingly thought to herself that of course, it was easy to become so successful when your parents bought everything for you. She looked at the photo of him, which was a bit grainy and a bit arty. His hair had gotten long, almost down to his shoulders, and he was sporting facial hair. She wondered how much it cost him to look so aesthetically disheveled. 

The biggest point that she took away from the article was that he was now living in Coruscant. She had to convince herself that the city was so big that she would never see him, but now that there was a slight possibility of it, she was unsettled. His art was being shown in a gallery that wasn't too far from where they were, and Rey realized that not only did she never want to see him again, she didn't want him to see her working at a coffee shop. 

"Someone you know?"  
"Yeah," Rey sighed, slapping the magazine shut and tossing it into the bin.  
"And?"  
"We slept together the night before we graduated and I never heard from him again,"  
"Ouch," Lima said, sipping on the iced green tea she'd made for herself.  
"Yeah, ouch,"

☢

Rey had attended Coruscant Prep Academy as some sort of cruel, cosmic joke. She'd gotten in as a scholarship student, because the community just had to do something nice for the less than fortunate. Rey had gotten in during her second year in high school, and Ben was in the same year. He was the type of boy who never said much of anything to anyone, but he always seemed to have a group of people following him around for one reason or another. When Rey was living in group housing, trying to scrounge together enough money for school supplies, Ren was walking around in dress shoes that probably cost more than anything she could ever guess at.

It was needless to say that Rey had sort of resented him, from the start. 

It didn't help that he seemed to view his words as too precious to spill excessively, and he hardly ever spoke, but when he did speak it was to bring up something she'd done or said wrong. They were rivals from the very beginning, as Rey refused to let him remain at the head of the class. She thought it was so idiotic that he refused to be called by his actual name, instead picking up some strange nickname that he had chosen for himself. Everyone obliged by calling him Kylo Ren, except for Rey, who got a serious glee out of calling him 'Ben', and seeing the look on his face when she said it. 

And then, there was the art. 

Even if Ben was smart enough to do whatever he wanted, she seriously hated the fact that he was so good at art. It seemed to be the one thing he was truly passionate about, and she realized with some sadness that she might never be as talented at something as he was. Rey lacked a dream, where Ben had so obviously found his calling. She wondered what it would be like to have everything at your fingertips, and have so many options to choose from that it would be considered 'unusual' to choose the path that would merit the least amount of monetary kickback. 

IE, Art. 

He didn't have to try too hard at anything, but when she saw him working in their art class, she realized that it was raw talent that drove him there, not a benign requirement to have the best grades and please his parents. 

The only hobbies Rey had were daydreaming to sad music and writing angsty poetry in a beat up journal where she glued pictures of her friends and little clippings from magazines. 

Rey had to try. She had to try really hard to overcome him. She studied all the time, and was unnecessarily hard on herself when she did something poorly and he managed to get the leg up on her. And the worst part? He didn't even seem to know, or care, that she was trying to best him. He seemed to accept it in stride when she did do better, and when he did better he was graceful about it. He never took the time to gloat, or rub anything in. 

She hated him. Or at least, she thought she did.

☢

Rey lived around the corner in a small little flat on the fourth floor of a building that was so old she was sure she could smell the era it had been built in still lingering in the hallways. The building had a lot of history, and a lot of the tenants were writers, actors and artists. Rey lived there because it was as cheap as she could manage and still have enough time to go to school.

Her neighbors had too many cats and smoked too many cigarettes, and in the middle of the night you could hear them fighting, though about what she could never quite work out. She walked to and from work, and that afternoon after she'd finished her shift she'd bought a coffee from Lima and grabbed one of the expired sandwiches that they were going to toss out. She had class that night, but she thought she would go home for a few hours and get some sleep before she had to go. 

She walked home, half looking at her phone and half trying to juggle the coffee. The sidewalks were packed with people trying to get to and from home, and there was a flood of people at the entrance of the subway. Rey had to expertly dodge, though when she keyed in the code to the apartment building and it gave her an angry buzz, she took a moment to look at what she was doing before she looked at her phone again. 

She wasn't expecting a tall, solid frame to come barreling into her. Her coffee was flung from her grip, splashing her with ice and cold liquid and completely staining the front of the only white polo t-shirt she had. She groaned out, looking up to find that the person she'd run into was covered in her coffee. 

It was too late when she realized it was him, Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, whoever the hell he was. 

What was he doing in her apartment complex? 

She looked down, pulling her work hat tightly over her brow and brushing past him, hoping he hadn't recognized her. He called out after her, somewhat weakly. 

"Hey, are you okay?" 

She didn't stay to answer, quickly swinging the door to the staircase open and bolting up the stairs.

☢


	2. Coltrane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, he tugged on an old button down shirt and buttoned a few of the buttons. He didn't have to make it his business, but for some reason, he had decided to make it his business. He knocked on the door, hearing the jazz even from the hallway. He had to knock a few times, each becoming increasingly louder than the last, before the girl in the apartment swung the door open. She was in a tank top and her underwear, and Ren thought he could recognize her skin anywhere.

☢

Coruscant Prep Academy, some years earlier

'Kylo Ren' was bored. 

He would have done anything for something different, and it was with these thoughts that he went to school that morning. He wore the standard uniform, but he decided to leave the blazer at home. He grabbed all of his school supplies and slid them into the new leather messenger bag his mom had bought him sometime over the summer when she'd been out on one of her jaunts. He plucked one of his pens from his desk, sliding it into the pen pocket of the bag before he shut his laptop, sliding it into the bag along with every thing else. 

The summer had felt short, and the slide into his second year at high school felt more awkward than not. He'd shot up a good three feet over the summer, forcing his parents to re-order his uniforms and buy him a whole new set of clothes. His hair had grown long, though his mother wouldn't allow it to 'go shaggy', as she said. He kept it trimmed and styled well, and was happy with the fact that it covered his too large ears. 

When he looked at himself in the mirror it was hard to recognize that he was still the gawky young man with a slightly gap toothed grin, moles, and huge ears. It was as if all of his ungainliness had disappeared, overnight. 

He had just gotten his license, and at the behest of his mother, his father had gotten him a new car. It was a zippy little black thing, which Han was sure he would kill himself in. Han joked that it wouldn't matter, that Ben's little sister Jade would do a better job at being the heir to their fortune than Ben, who seemed to have little interest in it.

He stopped in front of it, hearing the beep as the doors unlocked and he the slid into the low bucket seats before sliding the key into the ignition and listening to the engine roar to life. He sent a text to his friend, Hux, something along the lines of: I'll be there in a few minutes. 

Hux came trailing out of the house, effortlessly tall with his long orange hair catching the light and making him look as if he had a halo. On his arm was his girlfriend Rosemarie; a small, dark girl who spoke little and smiled even less. Ben leaned forward and unlocked the door, though wasn't surprised when both of them slid into the back seat. Hormones made it more interesting to be squished right up against one another on the ride to school. 

Ben made one more stop, picking up Poe, who's mother was standing on the stoop of their colonial styled manse, her hair in a braid over her shoulder. She waved at all of them before she followed Poe right down to the car. She leaned into the window, which Ben rolled open. 

"Hello, Ben," She said. "I trust that you won't kill my son in this thing," She said, a pleasant smile on her features.   
"I will do my best not to kill your son in this thing, Mrs Dameron," Ben said, offering up the best smile he could manage. Still awkward, though.   
"Mom, go back in the house," Poe said, looking at her in a way that was decidedly irritated. "I'm gonna be fine,"   
"Ben," She kept on it. "If you do kill my son in this car, I will have my revenge,"   
"I believe it, Mrs Dameron," He said, waving as she moved back towards the door of the house.   
"Your mom is scary," Hux said, leaning forward to look at Poe in the front seat.   
"Yeah, Poe, what if she does kill me?"   
"She will, Kylo, she will," 

And then they all laughed...with the exception of Rosemarie. 

By the time they made it to school, they had all gotten more rowdy than what was probably allowed by a week day. Poe had put on some synth music and they'd all danced their way through the drive to school, though when they got out of the car they did so with a sort of exuberance that was noticed by others. 

The first time he saw Rey, she was fighting with her locker in the science hall. She was one of the unfortunates who had gotten one of the old lockers that had yet to be replaced, and she had to slam on it a few times with a fist before it opened up, a rickety noise following it. She was wearing a plaid skirt that looked like it was two sizes too big, and Ren was sure when she turned he could see the safety pin in the back of it. There was a hole in her sweater, and he came to the realization that her uniform was likely a hand me down. It was so painfully obvious that she was the scholarship student. 

"New girl," Hux said, having spotted her right away. "Must be the new charity kid," He said, and as they passed her, she turned around and looked directly at Ren.   
"Shouldn't call 'em that, Hux, it's meeean," Rosemarie said, though she didn't stop to introduce herself. 

Ren kept looking at her, even as they passed. He turned his head, almost bumping into another student on his way. She was (not) pretty. Or so, at first, he thought. Her mouth was a wide gash across her features, her brows were too dark, and it seemed as if she had too many straight teeth in her mouth. She had freckles on her nose, and her hair was a bit out of control. When she smiled, she smiled with her whole mouth. 

It turned out they had nearly all of their classes together. She had to have been smart to get into the academy, and it made sense that she would be taking all of the classes Ben was in. She raised her hand a lot, and had a lot of the right answers, but math seemed to be her weakest link, which Ben pretty much knew on their first day of classes, together. 

"Can anyone give me the answer?"   
A hand shot up.  
"Uh...miss Brown?" 

Ben listened to her give her answer, and knew immediately that it was wrong. The teacher, who was benign enough to tell her that it was a good attempt, asked the class to give up the correct answer. Slowly, Ben raised his hand, which was unusual for him. Even Mr Brennan was surprised, and it reflected when he called on him. 

Ben gave the right answer. 

She turned to look at him, and it was the first time she had seen him, he knew. She had such an anger in her eyes, and he realized that his casual 'right' answer had upset her. He blinked in her direction, and she turned quickly around, her face a quiet shade of pink. She was embarrassed that she'd gotten the answer wrong.

☢

Coruscant, June 5th 6 PM

Kylo Ren was running late for a meeting with the gallery manager and he had iced coffee all down his front. He thought he'd caught something familiar in the girl who'd bumped into him, but she had pulled her hat down and run off to quickly for his brain to make the connection, and it was distracted by other things, like how late he was. 

He buttoned his jacket and hoped that it would be enough to hide the coffee stain, since he definitely didn't have enough time to change his shirt, and he hadn't been smart enough to wear a black shirt. He rode his bicycle to the gallery, as it was only a short shot down the road, and when he got there he looked more messy than he had intended. His mother would have insisted on taking a car, but Ren had made a decision. If he was going to fail miserably at this art thing, he was going to fail miserably on his own. 

Although, he always knew that at the worst times, his mother would likely be there for support. 

The gallery manager hustled him in past the locked doors. There was lighting to be dealt with, and the placement of things, and had he finished the last piece he intended to put in the middle of the room? _It is really going to be quite a big deal, you know._ Ren knew he would be lucky if people who were actually interested in his art showed up, rather than those who hoped to make some sort of connection with his parents. 

He was exhausted by the time the gallery manager had gotten done chewing his ear off. He knew he was running behind on the last piece he'd promised, but he hadn't been able to admit to anyone that he was struggling with it. Every time he looked at it, he was overwhelmed with the desire to just quit, and quit for good. He was sure that there was something he could do at his father's company, despite the thought of it causing his soul to die a little. 

"So, what do you think?" Anna asked. She was a short woman who wore thick framed glasses, and looked as if she might have fronted an indie girl rock band at one point. "A week until that last piece is finished?"   
"Yeah, a week should be fine," He knew he might be lying, but he didn't want to admit that he suspected he might never finish it.   
"Have you heard from your parents about whether or not they'll be coming to the opening?" She asked, blissfully unaware of how offensive she was.   
"Nope, not yet," He said, doing his best not to sound like an asshole. "I'll let you know," 

He rolled his bike home, and when he was standing in front of his mirror that night, he realized that his shirt was still stained with coffee. He had nearly forgotten the girl that had dumped her ice coffee all over him. He tried to see if he could recall the angles of her face, but all he could remember was her grimace, and the quick motion of her hand as she'd pulled the cap down over her head. 

He unbuttoned the shirt and tugged it off, feeling his phone vibrating in the pockets of his jeans. He saw that it was Manet, his on again, (mostly) off again girlfriend. They were currently in an 'off' spell, but that didn't stop her from calling him and asking if she could come over. He flicked the reject call button with his thumb and turned his phone over, intent on ignoring it for the night. 

He stood in front of his latest piece, puzzling over it. Everything he sculpted, he ended up squeezing up into a fist and tossing away. As he agonized over it, he realized he could hear John Coltrane bleeding through the paper thin walls from the other apartment. It seemed the longer he stood there staring at his unfinished sculpture, the louder the music got. The wild tenor saxophone seemed to pierce his ear drums, and he got irritated with the fact that it was past midnight and his oh-so-kind neighbor couldn't think to turn her experimental jazz down. 

Finally, he tugged on an old button down shirt and buttoned a few of the buttons. He didn't have to make it his business, but for some reason, he had decided to make it his business. He knocked on the door, hearing the jazz even from the hallway. He had to knock a few times, each becoming increasingly louder than the last, before the girl in the apartment swung the door open. She was in a tank top and her underwear, and Ren thought he could recognize her skin anywhere. 

The girl who smiled with her whole mouth. 

Rey. 

Awkwardly, he blurted out her name, unable to help the fact that he recognized her. 

She slammed the door in his face.

☢

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these chapters will probably get longer. i'm messing with some stuff i've been wanting to mess with, so i dunno if this fic will make it....but hopefully, y'all who read it like it! 
> 
> also, if you're new here, i'm a super fast updater. like.  
> super fast.


	3. Need a therapist?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She had expected him to smooth over what might be considered ugly about his face, but he didn't, going so far as to even draw his large ears that stuck out a bit from his head. When he realized she was watching him sketch, she quickly went back to her own work, which he leaned over to look at.

☢

Coruscant Prep Academy, some years earlier

It had been a bad first day. 

The girls made fun of the holes in her sweater, and once they figured out what her middle name was, everyone started calling her 'Daisy-Rey' with an affected southern twang that she supposed was to indicate what a backwoods hick she was. How dare she, someone who did not have money, aspire to higher things? Her locker didn't work, and she had to punch it a few times before it would open. The teachers were unfriendly at best, but she was hoping her final period, art, would be a reprieve from all of the general awfulness of the day. 

It was only unfortunate that she had ended up on the same class roster as Ben Solo for nearly every class she had. She shouldn't have been surprised when she walked into the art room and found him already there, sketching away in a leather bound sketch pad. 

He stopped to look up at her. He looked like he wanted to say something, but she merely stuck her nose in the air and walked right past him to an empty table. Her art teacher was admittedly, a bit odd. Miss Gilliland explained the difference between 'nude' and 'naked', right off the bat, which earned some twitters and some general expressions of disgust. Rey could see right away that her art teacher was probably someone that got picked on just as much as she did. It made Rey like her, despite her small oddities. 

Ben Solo didn't seem bothered by any of it, and continued sketching away through her monologue. When she was done, Rey realized that she would not be so fortunate has to choose her own seat. She re-arranged everyone, putting them in groups of four at each table and calling them 'pods'. She ended up right next to Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, whoever he was, and even though he seemed un-phased by it, she couldn't believe her bad luck. 

It seemed to be the theme of the day. 

Their first assignment was to draw something, anything at all. She supposed it was because the art teacher wanted to gauge where they were at with their skills. Rey had never been particularly interested in art, nor did she have much skill with it, but she thought it would be an interesting break from what she normally took, and it would provide her with a credit she needed to graduate. 

She stuck to the things she knew how to draw, like birds and scenery. She had been sketching a bit within the last couple years, and though she was no Van Gogh, it wasn't as if she was the worst. She could tell by the way that Ben sketched that it wasn't his first, and she wondered why he wasn't in a more intermediate art class. Not surprisingly, he sketched a portrait of himself. 

She had expected him to smooth over what might be considered ugly about his face, but he didn't, going so far as to even draw his large ears that stuck out a bit from his head. When he realized she was watching him sketch, she quickly went back to her own work, which he leaned over to look at. 

"If you made the line here a bit like this..." He erased one of her lines and redrew it. "There, looks more like a bird," 

She looked at him with what she was sure felt like burning ire. She wondered why he felt comfortable enough to just do such a thing. He embarrassed her each time she came into contact with him, seemed like. She erased the line he'd drawn and redrew her own, looking at him in a challenging way. 

"I'm sorry, I was just trying to help," He said.   
"I wish you wouldn't," She replied. "I can do it on my own,"   
"Of course you can, I just--"   
"Nevermind," Rey said, pulling her sketch out of the reach of his long arms. 

He looked at her, a bit crestfallen, before he dropped his gaze back to his own sketch. He didn't look at her again for the remainder of the class, and when the teacher handed Rey her drawing back, she'd drawn over the outline of the bird in much the same way that he had. Rey crumpled it up and threw it into the trash. 

She didn't see Ben stop to rescue it.

☢

Coruscant City, Present Day

SLAM!

Here she was, damning her luck again. It would have been too much to ask that the upcoming sculptor didn't move into her apartment building, but from the looks of it, he moved into her apartment building AND he lived right next to her. It was a hot night, and there had been no reprieve from the humidity, so Rey had gotten out of bed and put an old Coltrane record on her player. She had the last beer she'd been saving in the fridge, and sat out on her rickety balcony scribbling away notes for a research paper that was due in a week. 

She hadn't been expecting the knock, hadn't realized that her music was so loud, and she hadn't even thought to put a robe on before she'd answered the door in her tank top and underwear. She'd been so surprised to see him standing there, half dressed, that she could only think to slam the door in his face. She knew he had recognized her, as he had said her name before she'd gotten the door shut. She slid down against it, trying to keep quiet and grimacing with regret over having opened the door. 

He knocked again, plaintively saying her name before she heard him politely request to turn the music down. Once she heard him sigh and then walk away from the door, she stood up and carefully took the needle from the record and put it away. She turned the lights off in her apartment and crawled into bed, but she did not sleep very well. She kept dreaming of the night before graduation. 

When she woke up, she had a headache from the beer. The apartment had grown doubly hot, and the swamp cooler was doing next to nothing to alleviate it. She supposed that you got what you paid for. It was nearly 4 am, and Rey had to roll out of bed to get to work in time for the morning rush. She peered into the hallway, trying to avoid her new neighbor, before she shot down the stairs and off to work. 

Ben came in every morning that week. He always came in at the same time, and Rey had gotten good at shoving her duties onto her coworker for the time it took him to order his coffee and leave. He didn't appear to know she worked there, but it wasn't surprising he would stop for his usual Americano since the place was so near to where he lived. He always had a messenger bag, and he often looked like he was off to teach a class. She wondered if he was teaching classes. 

On Friday, Lima came into the back to find Rey crouched in the corner, nibbling at one of the pastries that had been too ugly to put in the display that morning. She looked irritated. 

"Listen, I know this guy blew you off," She began. "But I'm getting tired of you disappearing. You realize you're gonna have to face up to him eventually, right?"   
"I can't," Rey said, doing her best to look like a helpless kitten.   
"Yes you can," Lima reached down and grabbed her arm, hauling her up from her hiding spot. "Come on," She stood behind her, pushing her out into the front. "You're just making yourself look more pathetic,"  
"I am pathetic," She argued. "I don't need help in making myself look pathetic,"   
"Rey, he's not a King," She said. "Come on, you can do this," 

He didn't show up that morning. And he didn't show up the next morning, either, and Sunday Rey was off, so she felt a bit of relief at putting off the inevitable stand off for the time being. At the end of her shift on Saturday, Lima came bouncing in (it was her day off). 

"What are you doing here? Can't stay away?" Rey asked.   
"Let's go out," She said, smiling at her.   
"No," Rey said, trying to hide her own smile.   
"Come on! It's been forever and I want to go dancing," She grabbed Rey's hands and tugged her across the counter playfully. "Come ooooon," She said, giving her best pout. 

"Ugh, fine, but I have to go home and change,"   
"Well, duh. You can't go out like that," 

 

Lima dragged her out to some club her boyfriend was promoting, and they were able to get in at the top of the line, though it pissed off everyone who had been standing in the line. Rey had never liked this part, and she wasn't much of a club goer. Lima had tried to convince her to wear one of her two piece club outfits, but they had settled on a short sheath dress that was covered in sparkles and was honestly a bit uncomfortable. 

Rey could walk in high heels, but they weren't much more comfortable, as they were pointy in the toe and extremely high. Rey lost track of her friend in the crowd, though she would be lying to herself if she said this wasn't the first time Lima had abandoned her at a club. She was a wild girl, and she liked to party, and sometimes she was gone even before Rey realized she'd been left at the club. Usually, she could talk one of her other friends in going with her, but it wasn't the case that night. 

She ordered a beer at the bar and stood awkwardly at the edges of the crowd until she spotted someone familiar. It was Kylo Ren. He was with a woman. She watched them dancing, smirking and smiling at one another. She admitted to herself after watching them for a moment that they were most definitely sleeping together. She finished off the beer and left the club through the back, intending to make the walk home alone. 

When she got home, she pulled her laptop out and started looking for other apartments. She even considered applying at other jobs. 

After some thought, she went down to the convenience store and bought some more beer. Maybe Lima was right. Maybe she'd never gotten over him, maybe she never had a chance to. He'd disappeared, and she hadn't been able to get a hold of him after graduation. Maybe she needed some sort of answer to finally let the whole thing come to a close. 

She had to admit to herself that she'd barely been able to make a relationship last for longer than a few months, and that she needed to do _something._

"See a therapist, maybe," She mumbled, putting the beer in the fridge before opening one of the bottles.

☢

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys, this rey has some issues. she's an orphan with something to prove dangit!   
> i'm thinking i'll make this one a weekly update, so look for it every week on Friday!   
> <3


	4. Ghosts and Silhouettes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think I should call you a cab,"  
> "What?" She looked even more confused, and Ren realized he'd completely upset two women in one night. He wondered if an award would be forthcoming within seven to fourteen days.

☢

Coruscant, some years earlier

She hated him. 

That was easy to see, though he couldn't work out what he'd done to earn her dislike so quickly. He'd never really had someone hate him so fast, and for so little reason (that he could work out, anyway). She seemed to take his attempts at kind gestures as insults, and he began to realize fairly quickly that attempting to help her only made her upset. Kylo Ren knew she had something to prove. 

He didn't know, at first, why it bothered him so much. 

It became clear to him when Hux was flipping through his sketches. 

"Why do you draw the charity case so much?" He asked, pulling a face. "It isn't like she's really anything to look at,"  
"She has an interesting face," Ben said, trying not to sound defensive.  
"No she doesn't," He said, flipping through to the next sketch, one of Rey smiling with all of her teeth. "What about Nicole?" Hux asked. "She's got it bad for you and she's...well, she's much better looking," 

Ben shrugged, a good indication that he wanted to talk about something else. He reached out and grabbed his sketch book, closing it and sliding it away so that he didn't have to talk about Rey anymore. He didn't know why he drew her so much, except for that late at night, drawing her face somehow made him seem less lonely than he was. 

"Come on, Ren," Hux said. "Everyone thinks you're gay,"  
"So?" He said, giving Hux a sort of blank look that he hoped would take as indication that he should quit asking about this.  
"Well, are you?"  
"What does it matter if I am or not? Are you going to make a big deal out of it if I am?"  
"No," Hux said, his fingertips toying with a torn bit of the chair he was currently sitting in.  
"Are you gay?" He asked. Hux tossed a pillow at him, hitting him right square in his face.  
"Shut up. Let's go get something to eat," 

They got into Ren's car and made their way downtown to one of the old style diners that had somehow survived despite the much newer, cleaner restaurants being the trend. Ben never felt at home in the high tech restaurants of now, they were cold, austere, and offered too many things that were blended up into smoothie form. Things that should never be in smoothie form, ever. 

There was a place they hung out at, Luke's, which was run by his craggy old uncle. Ren and his uncle had a camaraderie that could be described as hostile, but Luke was the only person in his family who seemed to throw off the 'reputation' of it all for something else entirely...slinging hash. He also made the best cup of coffee that Ren had ever tasted, despite having been to all of the most expensive coffee bars in town (and there were a lot of them). 

Ben liked the diner because it wasn't shiny. It wasn't new. There was grime on everything, and Luke was constantly fighting a battle against grease settling into his bones. It didn't matter, though, because most of the people that went there went there because it felt a bit old world, and a bit out of place. Just like Ren did, himself. 

Hux was mostly silent in the car, turning on some music that sounded like a person banging pots together with a gnashing sound that droned on in the background. Ren knew better than to try and get him to switch it to something different, as he might turn on something else that was completely irritating in it's own right. 

"What's wrong?" Ren finally asked, tossing a rolled piece of paper at this friends' face without looking away from the road.  
"Nothing," Hux said, though Ren didn't believe it. 

When they got inside of the diner, Hux spotted Poe and Rosemarie almost immediately. Ren shrugged out of his coat and headed in their direction, doing his best to look as cool as possible, considering he didn't exactly feel that way. He had the unfortunate habit of looking so out of place that most people turned to look at him when he entered a room. He was tall, and that made it hard for him to hide from people. 

"What were you two doing?" Poe said.  
"Drugs," Hux said, tossing a crumpled up straw cover at him. Rosemarie giggled next to him.  
"Hey Ren," Poe said. "You look...really pale," It had gotten to be a joke between them, Poe almost always commented on how white he was.  
"Thanks," Ren said, rolling his eyes and smirking as he slid into the booth next to Hux.  
"What'll you have? It's on me,"  
"Poe, it's always free," Hux said, opening the beaten up menu as if he might find something new among its pages. 

Ren hadn't spotted Luke yet, but saw him come out of the back with the obvious intent of taking their order. Ren looked around the diner, expecting to find the usual occupants, with one unusual standout. It was Rey. He zeroed in on her, scribbling away at something, alone, in one of Luke's frayed red booths. Ren looked away from her, he knew that if he focused on her too completely his friends would notice her...and for some reason, he felt special having been the only one to see her thus far. 

"Hello, children," Luke said, as jovially as was possible. "What sort of property damage do you have planned today?"  
"It isn't property damage, today, Luke," Poe said, flicking the edge of his menu. "It's Wednesday, so that means that we have to fool some sucker into buying us porn. Or booze,"  
"You've gone soft, Poe," Luke said, bringing out his order pad. "What'll it be?"  
"Burger, fries,"  
"Same," Hux said, still sulking.  
"I'll just have a strawberry shake," Rosemarie added.  
"Ren?" Luke asked. After no response, he prodded his nephew with his pencil. "Hey, idiot,"  
"Huh?" Ren asked, looking back at Luke. "Oh, uh, I'll just have a cup of coffee,"  
"Black like your soul, huh?"  
"That joke isn't funny anymore, Luke," Ren pointed out, but Luke only chuckled. It was still quite funny to him. 

Ren looked back across the diner, hopeful that Rey would still be there. She hadn't even looked up, she was so focused on what she was trying to accomplish. From what Ren could see, she was attempting to draw a portrait of herself. She might have to start over, with all of the erasing she was doing. It was almost as if she was trying to erase herself, in the action. Ren looked back at his friends, who were having a side conversation about fencing, because the new class started up on Monday. 

"You're going to try out for the team, right Ren? You're the only one who's any good at it," Rosemarie said, rolling her eyes as Hux pretended to look offended.  
"Yeah, I will," He said, watching as Luke set an entire carafe of coffee in front of him.  
"You know that this is probably why you can't sleep at night, right?"  
"Yup," Ren said, pouring out the coffee. He sipped it idly, enjoying the aroma and taste. The first sip was always the best.  
"As long as you know what you're doing," 

After they ate, there was some debate on whether or not they might be able to sneak into one of the nightclubs that was down the street. Sometimes the bouncers recognized them and let them in. Ren found he wasn't interested. Hux agreed to catch a ride with Poe, and Ren was left sitting in the booth alone. None of them had ever noticed Rey, which was strange to him, considering that he felt her presence like a prickle on top of his skin. 

After gathering as much courage as he could (and feeling like his palms got sweaty), he slid out of the booth and moved over to her table. He loomed without meaning to, and awkwardly slid his hands into the pockets of his pants. She looked up after realizing her light source had been effected, and though the look on her face wasn't hostile, it was most certainly guarded. 

"Hey," He said, unsure of what else to say to start the conversation.  
"What are you doing here?" She asked, surprised.  
"My uncle owns this place,"  
"Oh," She said, her mouth dropping open. It was almost as if he could see her thought bubble, she was checking this off as a place 'never to go again'.  
"Drawing?" He tried, flailing against the conversation coming to a grinding halt.  
"Yeah," She said, obviously uninterested in continuing on the conversation. 

Ren felt a bit creepy. He wondered if he should just walk away and give up on it. She obviously wanted nothing to do with him. 

"Good luck," He said, his face looking long and hurt.  
"Uh," She said. "You're good at this, right?" She slid the drawing in his direction. "I can't figure out what's wrong with it," She looked a bit amazed with herself that she'd even asked.  
"Oh, uh," Ren said, turning to look at it. "Here," He took her pencil, sketching out a cross like shape on the face. "The eyes are too high up, try using this as a guide," He offered a close lipped smile, thinking that if he smiled too wide he might freak her out.  
"Thanks," She said, taking the pencil back from him slowly.  
"Good night," He said, after standing there silent for a few moments.  
"Yeah," She muttered, though she was already back to sketching.

☢

Coruscant, present day

Ren and Manet didn't really love one another. He knew it, and had known it. So did she. He supposed the fact that they kept coming together was out of habit, mostly, and a desire for some sort of human connection...even if he got tired of her in the morning, and was sadly appreciative of those times when she didn't ask to stay the night. She wasn't unkind, or a bad person, and she was beautiful (shorter than him by a foot, with long willowy legs and hair that was almost so blonde it was white), but something in him had made it almost impossible for him to keep any sort of girlfriend. 

Manet was no exception, even if he'd desperately wanted her to be. 

He had known it some months in, and when she had noticed him drifting, they had sat down and had a conversation about it. At first, she had been hurt, but now it seemed like she was trying to accept it for what it was. She had told him she wanted the same thing, though each time he saw her he believed it less. He knew he should have been kinder, and stopped seeing her. That night, however, he had been frustrated by his lack of progress, and frustrated by the fact that now his new piece was taking shape in the form of a person he had really wanted to forget about. 

He hadn't realized he had moved in right next to her. He hadn't realized he might have to see her every day. When he thought about the choice he'd made to leave her that night...well, he didn't want to think about that choice. It gave him a sour gut and a guilty feeling, and it was even more obvious that she didn't want to see him at all. 

Skittish, like she had always been. 

He wanted to tell her he was sorry. That he was stupid. He knew he'd let it go on for far too long for that now, though. 

He and Manet drank and danced until he had a headache. He had consumed almost an entire bottle of whiskey when it was all said and done, and he'd lost track of her drinks somewhere around the sixth or seventh. They stumbled back to his apartment together, trying to stay upright and look as non-drunk as possible. They kissed, sloppily, as they made their way to his apartment, and she was half way though tugging his jacket off of him when they were finally in front of his door. 

It was the very definition of a drunken fumble, but Ren didn't want to think about it. He wanted the oblivion of it. 

He kissed her roughly, enjoying the way she yielded to him, her body fitted nicely against his own as they reached for each other. It was an attempt to get so close to someone that he could no longer recognize himself anymore. As fleeting as it was, it was addictive. 

It was with some horror that the kiss was interrupted. He heard Rey's door open. She stood there, in her barista uniform, staring at the two of them. Her mouth was open wide, and he could tell by the look in her eyes that there was no way she hadn't recognized them. He didn't realize how early in the morning it was, but it struck him suddenly when he saw she was going to work. Manet looked confused, and tried to apologize, but Rey merely tucked her hat down tightly on her head, looked down, and pushed past them both. 

"It's none of my business," He heard her say in response to Manet's drunken apology. 

She was right, he supposed. It was none of her business. The non-chalant quality of her reply did nothing to hide the age old hurt in her voice, though. 

Manet leaned up to kiss him, and he avoided the motion. She pulled back as if he'd just slapped her, her eyes, big and blue, already glittering with tears. He held her still, finding that the moment had been like a cold bucket of water. He was sober now, even if he hadn't been a few moments before. 

"I think I should call you a cab,"  
"What?" She looked even more confused, and Ren realized he'd completely upset two women in one night. He wondered if an award would be forthcoming within seven to fourteen days. 

He reached for his phone and called her a cab, and saw her downstairs to make sure she got into the car okay. She didn't even look at him as he shut the door behind her, wishing her a goodnight. 

His father would have been impressed.

☢

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, my laptop isn't fixed, i lied. but i do have a good old boy that works just fine. have some angst. title was taken from 'One Last Night' by Vaults


	5. Ain't here to break it, just see how far it will bend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On a particularly bad day when she'd been tripped, had her lunch taken, she was actively awaiting the end of the last period. Normally, it was her favorite, but she was tired, and the two days of the weekend looming ahead of her seemed like a blissful paradise she would never reach. She would get to spend time with Rose, who was a friend at the house, and she wouldn't really have to think about this place other than when she did her homework. When the class was over, she quickly gathered up her things. On a whim, she reached behind her to pull her hair from her neck, and she realized that there was a huge glob of _something_ in her hair. Further exploration made her realize it was gum. Someone had stuck gum in her hair.

☢

Coruscant, present day

Rey walked to work in tears. She hadn't been expecting to be confronted, so viscerally, with what she had always suspected. She wasn't good enough for Kylo Ren. She had never wanted him to begin with, not at first, anyway. So how had she ended up here? 

It was deeply confusing, to say the least. She thought she had shaken him off.

She couldn't dislike the woman he was with. In fact, she felt a bit sorry for her. It seemed like all he was capable of was leaving behind a string of confused and upset women.

Rey tried to get herself together, ducking into the bathroom before a (probably) hungover Lima noticed her. She splashed cold water on her face in an attempt to make it look less red, and she wiped away all of the tears and mess that had been left behind. She dug around in her bag to find a small satchel where she kept emergency makeup, and applied it lightly, thinking that it helped just a bit. 

She promised herself she wouldn't cry about Kylo Ren any longer. She wasn't sure if she believed it. 

She knew she was pretty sure about the necessity of finding another job, though. Maybe something that paid more, so that she could move. When she recovered herself, she realized she didn't want to run away from him. She thought it was more likely that he would run, considering what a coward he was. She promised herself that she wouldn't be the one to back down. She put some chapstick on, readjusted her apron, and went out to work. 

It was no use hiding from Lima, though, who was eagle eyed even in her worst states. 

"You look worse than I do," She said, arching her expertly drawn in brow curiously.  
"Really?" Rey asked, wondering why she'd bothered with the makeup if it hadn't helped at all. "You look pretty bad," Rey said, jokingly.  
"Shut up," She groaned out, rubbing her eyes with the palms of her hands. "Where'd you go last night?"  
"I got a headache from the smoke machine," Rey lied. "Walked home after a bit,"  
Lima looked like she was trying to remember whether or not there had actually been a smoke machine.  
"Smoke machine," Lima said, though they didn't get much of a chance to keep talking. The morning rush started up quickly. 

Rey let herself relax. Ren had obviously been up drinking, and who knew what had happened after she'd left, so she was sure he wouldn't show up that morning. She was able to focus on her work, and interact with the customers. Some of them were perpetually grumpy at this hour, and others were annoyingly chipper for how early it was. The early risers, the ones who did it by choice. 

Therefore, when she looked up to find Ren standing in front of her, she was completely caught off guard. Her cheeks flushed beet red, and she stammered awkwardly. She hated that he had an effect on her, and she quickly tried to redeem herself. He looked like hell, the bags under his eyes more pronounced than ever. His normally 'pretty' eyes were lined with red, a good indicator that it had been a sleepless night. He'd showered, but she could catch a faint whiff of whiskey rolling off of him. He was probably still drunk. 

"Rey," He said, surprised. "I didn't know you worked here,"  
"Didn't you see the uniform?" She asked, trying to keep her tone friendly, even if she felt like screaming at him. "What will you have?" She asked.  
"Medium Americano," He said. "And one of the muffins,"  
"What kind?" She said, trying to keep it businesslike.  
"Blueberry,"  
"Great, name?"  
"You know my name," He said, looking evenly at her.  
"Which one are you going by these days?" She said, her tones so clipped that Lima perked up and came over.  
"Ren," He replied, looking like she'd slapped him.  
"No shit," Lima said. "You're him, huh?" She offered her hand for a shake. "I'm Lima,"  
"Nice to meet you," He said, shaking her hand.  
"No offense, but you look like shit,"  
"Lima," Rey said. "There are customers," Lima looked at her with a roll of her eyes, leaning up against the counter before she went back to making drinks.  
"That'll be seven fifty," Rey said, looking up at him boldly. She stared, catching his gaze. She wouldn't be the first to back down.  
"I didn't expect you'd be working here," He admitted, digging around in his pockets for his wallet. "Shit," He muttered. "I forgot my wallet,"  
"That's okay!" Lima said, over the noise of the espresso machine. "It's on us," She grinned, and Rey turned to give her the most evil glare she could muster.  
"I'll bring it in tomorrow," He said, sliding his hands into his pockets. Even now, he had an ease about him that bespoke the fact that he'd grown into his long limbs. She hated him for being attractive.  
"Have a nice day, sir," Rey said, handing off the muffin in a bag before she moved onto the next customer. 

Once he was gone, Lima turned to look at her. 

"Okay, but you didn't tell me he was hot," She said, looking at her with wide eyes and a sarcastic smirk.  
"I really don't like you," Rey muttered, trying to distract herself from how awful she felt with the onslaught of coffee obsessed customers. 

Rey finished out her shift and went to class. When she was done with class, she dragged her tired self home, thinking that she was most definitely going to go to bed early and try to ignore her new neighbor. She hoped that his girlfriend hadn't moved in with him. 

She thought she was safe when she went up the stairs to find the hallway empty, but she turned to hear the sound of heavy footfalls making their way up the old staircase. She hoped it wasn't him, but her luck had been piss poor lately and she turned to find him standing at the top of the stair with his key in hand and his mouth hanging open. He looked exhausted, but less drunk than he had this morning. She wondered if he'd been teaching a class when he'd sobered up. She hoped it had been one hell of a hangover. 

"Hi," He tried, waving his hand. "Listen, I, uh--"

Rey began rattling the key around, wondering why her door wasn't opening more quickly. 

"Rey," He said, his voice firm. "Will you please stop, for just a minute?"  
"There isn't anything that you could possibly have to say to me now," She said, though her ferocious rattling of the key had stopped, her hand falling, leaving her keys hanging there, still stuck in the door.  
"I want to, though,"  
"Would have been more appropriate a few years ago," She said, turning to look at him. He'd gotten closer. Defensively, she took a step back. 

She had a sneaking feeling that if he touched her, she would melt completely, like a chocolate bar that had been left out in the Arizona heat. She couldn't let that happen. 

"Yeah, it would have," He admitted. "But I've never been very good with timing...or apologies," He frowned.  
"It isn't necessary," She finally said. "I don't need to hear it,"  
"If we're going to be living next to each other, can we at least try to be friendly?"

☢

Corsucant Prep Academy, some years earlier

Rey's schooling didn't get much easier. She made her way to the head of the class quite quickly, with Ben following behind her at a short pace, but she had to work hard at it. Ben never seemed to blink an eye. 

The girls that he hung around with didn't like her. They made it quite clear that she should stay away from him. She didn't have any desire to do anything but that, but the more she got paired up with him the angrier they seemed to get. He didn't seem to notice, or if he did, he ignored it. Rey wished she had at least one friend to try and fend off the groupies, but she hadn't had the luck of making a friend yet. 

On a particularly bad day when she'd been tripped, had her lunch taken, she was actively awaiting the end of the last period. Normally, it was her favorite, but she was tired, and the two days of the weekend looming ahead of her seemed like a blissful paradise she would never reach. She would get to spend time with Finn and Rose, who were friends at the house, and she wouldn't really have to think about this place other than when she did her homework. When the class was over, she quickly gathered up her things. On a whim, she reached behind her to pull her hair from her neck, and she realized that there was a huge glob of _something_ in her hair. Further exploration made her realize it was gum. Someone had stuck gum in her hair. 

She quickly got up, using her hand as a lame attempt to try and hide that someone had done it, but she wasn't sure how many people had noticed already. She made her way to the door, unaware that Ben was following her. She made her way out the front doors, down the stone steps, the tears building up in her eyes despite her attempts to slow them down. 

When she felt like she was a safe distance from the school, she tried to pull her hair around to see how bad it was. She realized that so much of her hair was tangled up in the sticky mess that she might have to cut it off. She wasn't sure what she was so upset about, losing her hair, or that her pride was bruised. 

"Hey," She heard someone say behind her, and she turned around quickly to find Ben standing there. "I saw you leave, I wondered if everything was alright," He offered.  
"You know the more you pay attention to me, the meaner those girls get," She spat out, turning away from him quickly.  
"Wait a minute," He said, his tone offended. "If it's my fault, at least let me help,"  
"How are you going to help with this?" She shouted, showing her tangled up, gummy hair.  
"My mom knows how to get that out," He said. "Come on,"  
"No," She replied.  
"Please?" He tried again, looking her over. "I promise, none of us bite,"  
"I'm just going to go home and cut it out,"  
"That's stupid, because my mother can get it out," 

They stared each other down for a few seconds. 

"Please?" 

"Alright, fine."

☢

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have some more angst. 
> 
> title comes from 'Make it wit'chu' by Queens of the Stone Age, I recommend the virgin magnetic material remix tho


	6. Old Habits Die Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Rey!" He snapped out, unaware of where it came from. "Why do you hate me so much?" 
> 
> She looked completely floored, as if she hadn't realized that her actions had been making clear a point that she had been unaware of. She paused, her mouth opening as she looked him over. Finally, she swallowed heavily and shoved her last book back into her bag, and stood up straight. 
> 
> "I don't hate you," She said, pushing past him and quickly making her way downstairs.

☢

Coruscant, some years earlier

Ren looked at her with a mixture of hope and frustration. Why wouldn't she accept his help? With anything? 

When she agreed, he finally allowed himself to take a breath. 

"Good," He said. "Stay right here," 

He was afraid to leave her there, considering that she might just bail on him anyway, but when he drove up he found her standing there with her hands on the strap of her bag that was slung across her chest. She looked like she had experienced a tough day, her white socks were a bit dirty and Ren could now see the gum bunched up in her hair. He felt sorry for her. Is that why he had insisted on helping her? 

When he drove up, she took a careful step from the pavement, and leaned into the window. 

"This is your car?" She asked, her face a mixture of irritation and surprise.   
"Yeah, why?"   
"Nothing," She muttered, opening the door and sliding into it. 

He felt strangely excited, even though he had only gotten her to agree to come with him at the promise of having Leia help with her hair. He hoped his mother was home, but she usually was. He wasn't sure that his father would be, but he was trying to ignore all of the comments he was likely going to have to weather if he was home. Rey was quiet during the ride, taking a moment to fiddle with the air conditioning before she turned the music up. 

"This is cool," She said, motioning to the radio.   
"Radio or the music?"   
"The music,"   
"Oh, it's Two Suns. They're from here," He said, reaching out to offer her the disc case. "They're playing next month. You wanna go?" He asked, realizing his voice cracked. 

Damn it. 

"Oh, uh..." Rey said, setting the case aside. "I'll let you know," She admitted, and Ren was sure that meant 'no'.   
"Sure," He said, trying to sound casual. 

He got a glimpse of her face when they pulled up to the house, and he realized that bringing her home had maybe only made her hate him more. She looked completely bamboozled by the size and general opulence of the house. He got out of the car and opened the door for her, watching as she moved forward curiously to get a better look. 

"This is where you live?" She asked, though it was less irritated sounding than the question about his car.   
"Yeah," He replied. "Don't like it?"   
"No, it's not that," She replied, hoisting her messenger back back into place.   
"Let me take that for you,"   
"It's okay, I won't be staying for very long,"   
"Oh," Ren said. "My mom should be through here," 

The house had all of the austere, minimalist beauty that had become the trend in the last few years. It was decked out with electronics and devices that were well hidden within the design, meaning that only someone who lived there might know that pressing a button on a remote would reveal a holograph television. Ben didn't turn it on, instead kicking his shoes off and calling out for his mother. 

"In here," He heard her say from her 'office'. 

Ben motioned for Rey to follow, watching as she followed his motions and awkwardly took her shoes off, setting them next to his. 

"Oh, you have a friend," Leia said, standing up from whatever she had previously been doing. 

Leia took a lot of people off guard. She was small in stature but she carried herself very much like a Queen. It came with owning half of Coruscant, Ben supposed. His father had a sort of swagger, but it never came close to his mother's poise, even after the years that they had spent together. 

"This is Rey," Ben said. "She got gummed,"   
"Gummed?" Leia said, leaning forward to get a better look. "Oh, I see. It's nice to meet you, Rey," She offered her hand. Rey took it carefully, and shook.  
"Nice to meet you," Rey mumbled. Leia seemed to suck all of the venom out of her.   
"Come on with me and I'll see what I can do about that," She pointed to her hair before gently grasping her arm and leading her off. 

Ben watched them go, deciding not to follow. He could hear his mother asking her questions, though in true Leia fashion she seemed not to be asking anything that might make the defensive girl upset. His mother had a way with people, a way that hadn't been passed onto him. No, he seemed more in line with his father, a man who frequently stuck his foot in his mouth. However, Ben didn't exactly have the skill of passing it off like he meant it, either. 

Ren was thankful his father wasn't home, as when he'd brought home girls before it had always become a sort of circus for his dad. He went into the kitchen and got out a bottle of water, sitting at the island on a tall stool. He took a moment to drag his homework out, and was puzzling over it when they both returned to the kitchen. 

"All done," Leia said, smiling at Rey. "Will you stay for dinner?"   
"Um," Rey swallowed heavily. "Sure," Her hair was a bit wet from being rinsed, but Ben was glad to see the clump was gone.

Ren was a bit shocked at her response. He had fully been expecting that she would say no. 

"Take that upstairs," Leia said to her son, kindly. "I'll make something," 

Ben gathered up his homework and motioned for Rey to follow him upstairs. She did so, slowly, though something in her demeanor made him think that she would have much rather stayed downstairs with his mother, who was infinitely comforting. He opened his door. His room was a bit messy, but he was glad to find that there was nothing out that would be embarrassing. He didn't seem to realize his sketchbook was out in full display, but he didn't think she would take any interest in it. Rey looked around, stepping into his room carefully, before setting her bag down. 

"Your room is about four sizes bigger than mine," She said, turning back to smile at him until she remembered who she was with. 

Ben collected old tech. He had a fascination with putting it back together in working order, and he sometimes managed to create new tech out of old working parts. He had it all over his room, some of it framed for a decorator's sense, some of it just strewn out like a puzzle. He had old music players, old discs that played the music, old telecommunication devices and ship parts. She ran her fingers over a couple of them, seeming surprised at the hobby. He wondered what it would be like to hold her hand. 

"You want to do some homework?" He asked, moving over to put on some music.   
"Sure," She replied, grabbing her stuff out of her bag and finding a place to sit. Ren folded up his long legs and sat next to her, and for a moment, it was as if they were friends and they could stand being in one another's company. 

Ren found it hard to concentrate. He was weirdly fixated on the bit of her thigh that peeked out from beneath her skirt, and was doing his best not to openly stare at her. Eventually, he stood up to go to the bathroom. When he came back, he found her no longer sitting. She had found his sketchbook. His chest tightened and he realized that she would see all of his sketches of her, and he knew it was too late when he saw her flip to the next one. 

When she looked up, she looked furious. 

"Why do you draw me?" She asked, her tone suddenly crisp again.   
"You..." He stammered. "You have an interesting face,"   
"Right," She said. "No one asked you to do this," She slammed the sketchbook shut. "I gotta go," She began hurriedly gathering up her things.   
"Wait a minute," He said again, trying to get her to stop.   
"No, I have to go," She repeated.   
"Rey!" He snapped out, unaware of where it came from. "Why do you hate me so much?" 

She looked completely floored, as if she hadn't realized that her actions had been making clear a point that she had been unaware of. She paused, her mouth opening as she looked him over. Finally, she swallowed heavily and shoved her last book back into her bag, and stood up straight. 

"I don't hate you," She said, pushing past him and quickly making her way downstairs. 

Ren wasn't quick enough to follow her, and by the time he'd gotten out to the street he had totally lost track of her. 

His mother seemed confused and a bit disappointed. 

Ren worried all night about how she'd gotten home, and wished that he had been smart enough to ask for her phone number.

☢

Coruscant, present day

It was a look he was familiar with. She had a particular set to her jaw, and her eyes became hard and inaccessible. She was defiant, and she was upset. He had seen it enough times, even in his dreams, to know that she was upset with him. He couldn't have been surprised, and he was trying not to regret, but oh hell, he had _regrets_. 

The truth was, he had never really wanted anyone the way he wanted her, and his life had been sort of a mess ever since. 

His words hung in the air, heavily, and he wondered how she would reply. He had no right to ask her to be friendly with him, but it seemed better than awkward and too-tense meet ups in the hallway, and where she worked (though for her benefit he was thinking he might not go to the coffee shop any longer). 

"My mother asks about you," He said, once it became apparent that she might not respond. "She wishes you would call her sometimes," 

He took another hesitant step forward, though when she backed up like a cornered, injured animal he stopped his movement and held his hand up in a bit of surrender. 

"I want to know why," She said.   
"She misses you,"   
"No," She said. "I want to know why you left," 

There had been what seemed like a spate of reasons at the time, but as the years had gone on, each one of them had drifted away. He supposed that was the problem with getting older, what had seemed so insurmountable previously no longer did. He couldn't even guess at what high school Ben had been thinking, other than a definite sense of not being good enough, and a slight thrill of having his virginity taken. 

"You didn't really like me that much, did you?" He asked, trying to find something to do with his hands. "You hated me right out of the gate," 

Rey looked offended. And then she looked sad, and he realized he had said the wrong thing again. 

"I didn't hate you," She said, and it felt much like it had many years ago. Exhilarating. Confusing. 

Out of some old habit that drew his arm up like a ghost, he reached out and brushed a tendril of her hair away from her lips where it had forcibly stuck itself. She looked up in shock, her eyes wide, and he dropped his hand abruptly, realizing what he'd done. She quickly turned around and unlocked the door with a deftness that completely obliterated the fact that she'd been struggling with it previously. She got behind the door and quietly shut it, and Ren heard the lock turn. 

He stood in front of his own apartment, bumping his forehead on the door and cursing himself for being such a dumbass. He wanted to make it better, he just didn't know how. He couldn't go back, and he was almost sure that he would never be able to erase the hurt of it enough to get her to trust him again. 

When he unlocked the door, he heard the familiar noise of jazz rolling through the thin walls. He might have been glad for it, had he known that she had turned it on to cover up the sounds of her sobbing.

☢

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen if you came here hoping i wasn't going to make you suffer you came to the wrong place
> 
> angst for days. 
> 
> this chapters theme is 'Old Habits Die Hard' by Allie X


	7. Private Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It sort of bled the anger from her, in a way that made it harder to deal with him. At least anger made her thoughts clear, her decisions sound. With this new feeling, she wasn't so sure. 
> 
> Had she kept him at an arms length?

☢

Coruscant, some years ago

Rey had made her way to the bus station and caught the bus home that night. She was confused, and she also was fearful of Ren offering her a ride home. She didn't want him to see where she lived, especially after seeing where he lived. She was trying to work out if she had really been upset about finding his drawings, or if she'd been anxious about the inevitable end of the night. On the bus on the way home, she examined her phone, wondering if (somehow) he might text her, but she didn't know how he would have gotten her number. 

Maybe she would have used it as another excuse to push him away, in any case. She finally shoved her phone back into her backpack. 

When she got back to the group home, dinner was over. Finn and Rose were waiting for her in the living room. 

"Where'd you go?" Rose asked curiously when she came in, watching as she slumped her backpack on the ground.  
"Someone stuck gum in my hair and one of my classmates took me over to their place," She paused, flopping herself down on a well worn recliner that rocked with the action. "His mom helped me get it out,"  
"You're gonna break that thing," Finn said, reaching out and pushing it back and forth with a strong arm. "We saved you some spaghetti,"  
"I'm surprised you didn't lose an arm," Rey said. 

Spaghetti night was one of the more coveted nights, along with taco Tuesday. Rey hadn't been thinking about missing dinner on her way home, but her stomach grumbled the moment food was mentioned. 

Finn and Rose sat with her in the kitchen while she explained her day. They both looked increasingly more upset for her, and Rose frowned, her brow dropping down over her eyes in a furrow. 

"Why are kids so mean?" She asked. "I wish I had been able to go there, at least then you would have a friend,"  
"What about Ren?" Finn asked. "He sounds like he wants to be your friend,"  
"He isn't my friend," Ren said, abruptly.  
"Why not?" Finn asked, grabbing her plate and loading it with more left over pasta once she'd finished the first round.  
"He's rich," She said. "And awful,"  
"He doesn't sound awful," Finn demurred. "If you hate him 'cause he's rich, aren't you just as bad as they are?"  
"Finn, shut up," Rose said, though Rey knew that on some level, he was right. 

They all turned, hearing Holdo come down the stairs. She ran the house, and she was probably the kindest person Rey had ever met. She didn't know how she managed it, since they never got enough money and a good deal of them were growing teenagers who ate way more food than should have been legal...but somehow, they never went without anything they really needed. 

"Hey girl," Holdo said, leaning over to look at her. "Why didn't you call?"  
"I was distracted, I'm sorry,"  
"S'okay," Holdo said. "Just make sure you call next time. This city is so big, I would never forgive myself if you didn't make it home some night," She smiled, grabbing the now empty plate. "Don't you all have homework?"  
"Yup," Finn said, standing up from the table. "But I'm not gonna do it,"  
"You don't do it, you don't get any allowance for the weekend,"  
"I'll make sure he does it," Rose said, standing up as well.  
"What's he gonna do with out you, Rose?" Holdo asked, rinsing the plate off.  
"Die, probably," Finn answered, and all of them laughed.  
"Goodnight," They both said, making their way upstairs, trying to see who could manage it first. 

"You alright?" Holdo said. "You look like you've had one hell of a day,"  
"Yeah, I'm fine," Rey said, getting up out of the chair. "Goodnight Holdo,"  
"Make sure you bring your uniform down tonight!" She called, up the stairs. 

Rey and Rose's room was empty, and she was a bit glad for it. She undressed and put on a pair of old pajamas that had pineapples on them. She combed out her hair, glad to find that none of it stuck from the gum. Ren's mother had been really good at it, making her wonder if Ren had come home with gum in his hair before. 

She crawled up in bed and fell asleep almost immediately. 

In the morning, before the house woke up completely, she heard her phone ding. She picked it up, unplugging it from the charger and blearily looking at it. Ren had sent a request to chat on her profile page, and she looked at it carefully, considering whether or not she wanted to look at it or not. 

Finally, she did. 

**KyleRen13: I'm sorry about yesterday. I'll burn those drawings, if you want me to. I just wanted to make sure you got home okay, and I don't have your number.**

**ReyofSunshine: I got home fine. Thanks for checking on me.**

And then, a few moments later: 

**ReyofSunshine: Don't burn the drawings.**

**KyleRen13: Can we hang out this weekend?**

When it took her a few minutes to reply, he sent another message. 

**KyleRen13: Do you like horror movies?**

**ReyofSunshine: Yeah, why?**

**KyleRen13: There's been one I've been wanting to see, it's called Quiet Mountain. Do you want to come?**

Rey stared at the message. Then she stared at the empty message box. 

**I can't this week**

She deleted it, trying again. 

**ReyofSunshine: Okay, sure. What time?**

☢

Coruscant, present day

Rey had turned the music up as loudly as it would go. She was trying to drown out the feeling of nostalgia that had overtaken her, and the feeling of sadness. Had that been why he had left her that night? Because he hadn't been sure of how she'd felt about him? 

Rey flipped through all of her old memories, finding they had become tinged with more than just red. They made her anxious, as if reliving them might confirm the fact that she had been so stupid as to let herself be vulnerable to him. She realized, though, even then, that she had been wrong about him. She picked them over, realizing that yes, there had always been something she could have done to make it more obvious that she returned his feelings. 

She hated the fact that it might have been (partially) her fault. 

It sort of bled the anger from her, in a way that made it harder to deal with him. At least anger made her thoughts clear, her decisions sound. With this new feeling, she wasn't so sure. 

Had she kept him at an arms length? 

When it grew late, she turned the music off, and heard him moving around in his apartment. She wondered if he was working on something, or if his girlfriend had come to visit. She pulled out an old pair of headphones and plugged them into her phone, turning her music app on and drowning out any further noise. It was probably the only thing that helped her to sleep that night -- as the humid, pungent atmosphere didn't exactly allow it easily. 

Her face was pretty puffy and sore the next morning, a good reminder that ugly crying, while it felt good at the time, did not feel good afterward. She washed her face with cold water a few times and got dressed, pulling her hair back into a high pony tail. She had the day off, but she had one class to get to before the rest of the day was hers. She was looking forward to it. She was looking forward to getting away from this area for a few hours, and had planned to go up north in the hopes that it might be cooler. She felt the need to get away from the city. 

After class, she took the bus and rambled around upstate, taking pictures of nature and trying to scribble out some poems and journal entries. When it grew dark, she stopped at an old pie shop and had a piece of pie and coffee. She was feeling much better by the time she made her way home on the bus. 

When she went upstairs and put her key in the lock, turning it like she always did, she wasn't expecting it to break off like she'd shoved a piece of cheese in there. Her mouth gaped and she gave a noise of pure frustration. She quickly pulled her phone out of her pocket, and dialed the super, who told her that she couldn't call a locksmith, it was something he had to deal with. He wouldn't be able to get in until the morning, though, which meant that she was effectively locked out of her apartment until morning. She began to dial Rose, who would probably be okay with Rey crashing on her couch until the morning. 

She saw Ren come up the stairs. He looked tired, as if he hadn't slept well, and when they locked eyes he didn't pause or say anything. He only gave a brief nod of his head before he unlocked his own apartment and disappeared inside. She frowned a bit, wondering. Was he really going to leave her completely alone? Maybe he was already considering moving. 

Rey kicked the door, as quietly as she could before she sat down in front of it, waiting on a reply from Rose. 

She was looking at her phone when she heard his deep voice. 

"Are you okay?" He asked.  
"Yeah," She said. "My key broke off in the lock,"  
"Oh, shit," He said. "Is the super coming?"  
"Not until the morning," She was trying to be friendly.  
"What are you going to do?"  
"I was trying to see if Rose might let me sleep over. No reply yet,"  
"Do you want to wait in here?"  
"Oh, uh, no, that's okay," She felt panicked.  
"Okay. Let me know if you need anything," He shut the door. 

She puffed out a bit of air, which ruffled her bangs, quickly gathering her phone up when she heard it ding. 

**We're not home tonight! Unfortunately I don't have an extra key laying around anywhere...we need to get you one!**

Rey frowned before she stood up. She stood in front of his door for what felt like a long time. She knew she could get a hotel, but it would blow her grocery money for the rest of the week. She supposed she could call Holdo, but the thought of spending a night in a home full of rowdy teenagers seemed more awful than facing up to Ren. Finally, she lifted her hand and knocked.

☢

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters wut wut  
> trying to lighten the angst up a bit
> 
> title is taken from 'Private Road' by Bent
> 
> also kyleren13  
> also did anyone get my silent hil ref?


	8. So Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt unsettled. 
> 
> She _had_ cared about him. 
> 
> Did that mean she still did?

☢

Coruscant, present day

Ren had looked out the peep hole in his door, and was surprised to find Rey standing there. He watched her fidget for a few moments, and wondered if she might lose her nerve and walk away. It made him want to get the door open more quickly, if only to be in her presence for a bit longer. Ren had come to realize that these moments might be fleeting, and that his thoughtless action would not be so easily forgiven. He might never see her again.

The thought made his heart jump up into his throat, and he was sure he could not swallow it down again. Better, then, to just spit it up and hand it to her. 

He felt so pathetic. 

He was tired of feeling pathetic, so he opened the door. 

She stood there quietly, and he was unsure of what to say. They both stood there regarding one another, much like they had in high school. He wondered if it would ever change. He tried to keep himself from hoping that it might have a chance to change. 

"Rose isn't home tonight and the nearest place I have to go is all the way out in the suburbs," Rey said, though he wasn't sure if it was a question or not. 

He stood there looking at her like a gaping idiot. 

"Do you mind if I sleep on your couch until the super comes? If it's not okay, I'm sure I can sit in the lobby all night,"   
"Uh, no, it's fine," He stood back. "Come on in,"   
"You don't have a couch," She said, looking around his living room.  
"No, I don't," He said, seeming to remember it suddenly. He'd been so surprised he hadn't even thought about it. 

The apartments were small, but he had put his bed in the living room and used the bedroom as an art room. Her eyes landed on the open door, and he realized he hadn't covered up the statue that was beginning to look dreadfully like her. He quickly went into the room and covered it up, shutting the door behind him quietly. She watched him curiously, but said nothing. 

"I guess I'll have to make the trek out to Holdo's," She said, awkwardly.   
"You can have the bed," He said, willing to give her everything she wanted. It seemed like divine intervention, too good an opportunity to pass up."I just washed the sheets,"   
"Where will you sleep?"   
"I usually stay up pretty late working," He admitted. "I doubt I'll even sleep,"   
"Oh," She said. "No wonder you always look like shit,"   
"Ouch," He said, unable to help the reply as it came out.   
"I'm sorry," She said. "Uncalled for," 

They stood in each other's vicinity, almost like two predators circling one another. Neither of them really knew what to do. Kylo Ren knew what he wanted to do. He wanted a do-over. This time he was sure he'd stay through until breakfast. That, and he had a good deal more staying power in general these days. 

He couldn't help the small voice at the back of his head that had always been there, reminding him that she didn't really ever express the fact that she'd felt the same. The doubt that always ate away at his own feelings, and he remembered with cold clarity the realization he'd had that he'd been right about her. She hadn't felt the same about him. 

"I was just about to order Chinese food," He said, carefully stepping past her to retrieve his phone from the kitchen counter. "You still like shrimp foo young?"   
"Uh, yeah," She sounded surprised he remembered. "But I'm not hungry,"   
"Sure you aren't," He remembered her doing that a few times in the seemingly short time he'd known her, saying she wasn't hungry and then eating his food. "I'll order it anyway and if you don't eat it I'll eat it later,"   
"You should get it from Peking," She said, offhandedly, and he was sure she had been teasing him. "What are you doing living here?" She asked curiously.  
"What do you mean?"   
"Well, last I heard you were a big artist with his own gallery opening up,"  
"Oh, you saw the article, huh?" He was pushing buttons on his phone, trying to focus on getting the phone number right. "My parents didn't help with any of that," He said. "I backed it with my own money, and I don't make much teaching over at the art college. What are you doing living here?"   
"I'm still going to school,"   
"For what?"   
"English," She replied. She seemed to be waiting for follow up questions.

He only nodded before lifting the phone to his ear. He ordered more food than what was probably necessary, but he often lived on it for a few days afterward. He watched her meander around the apartment, looking at the decorations and picking items up only to put them back down again. When he hung up, he set his phone down on the counter and moved to find her standing in the hallway, looking at a framed poster of Klimt's 'The Kiss', which had lights directed on it. Klimt was one of his favorite artists, and she stood there regarding it for what felt like a long time. 

"Got it at Kohl's," He said. He found humor in the fact that one could pretty much find the print anywhere.  
He saw a small smile on her face, but it didn't last.   
"Can I use your restroom?" She asked.   
"Yeah, it's through there," 

He stood there for a few long minutes after she'd disappeared, reveling in how surreal it was that she was there at all. 

The food came quickly, a tower of styrofoam that had been packed into a thin plastic bag and tied off. The delivery guy shoved a bunch of packets of hot mustard an chopsticks at him before Ren paid him with cash and he was off to continue on with his job. Ren set the food on the counter, wondering why Rey was taking so long in the bathroom. Maybe she had changed her mind and found a way out of the window. 

He realized how ridiculous and idea that was when he considered the drop down. 

He pulled out a couple of plates and set them on the counter, though he waited for her to reappear before he began opening the containers. She watched him curiously for a few moments before she set her belongings down near the door. She came nearer, and while he was wildly aware of her location, he tried not to make her aware of that fact. He was trying not to think about how much he wanted to kiss her. 

He watched her dole out a good heaping of the foo-young, and steal an egg roll. He took a bit of everything, and before long they were sitting at his small kitchen table eating in silence. They were both pretty good at managing chop sticks, but not at managing any sort of conversation. Finally, when he got brave enough to look up at her, he realized she was looking at him. 

"What did you mean when you said that it was obvious I didn't like you?"   
Ren was caught off guard, and unsure of how to respond to that question. 

She looked beautiful, almost vulnerable in the light of the setting sun. It cast a pinkish orange hue across her, catching the highlight in her hair and the making obvious the strange, multi colored hues in her eyes. She was regarding him with such an intensity that he nearly felt flustered. 

"You hated it when I got the right answer in class," He started. "You hated it when I tried to be nice to you," He dropped his chopsticks. "You hated my friends, I had to twist your arm to get you to go out with me," He paused. "That night, I remember you telling me that..." He swallowed. "That you were glad I was going to college, because it meant that you wouldn't have to see me anymore," 

She was silent, though her features had softened. Her eyes dropped ruefully to the table. 

"I suppose I should have taken a hint," He continued on. "But that night that we..." He cleared his throat. "I think I realized you didn't ever want to see me again,"   
"That's not true," She replied, quietly, though she didn't say anything more. 

He was a bit astounded. 

"Rey," He said. "I'm sorry I left that night. I shouldn't have,"   
"I said that-" She blurted out. "I said that because I was afraid," 

He was further taken aback when she stood up from the table. She looked determined, and Ren couldn't help but lean back in his chair, wondering if she was going to take off again. He wouldn't have been too surprised by her leaving, though he was surprised by her next action; which was too come around the table and stand with her legs between his knees. Her hands were placed atop his shoulders, and he saw her lean in. 

"I'm going to kiss you," She said abruptly, and all he could do was nod his head to indicate his consent.

Their eyes were open as their lips connected. It was surprise that kept him frozen, and fear that kept her from moving any further. However, as the moments ticked on, her mouth softened, and her eyes closed. His own did, as well, and he carefully leaned up into her, his hands carefully encompassing her waist. Her arms slid around his neck as he drew her closer, enjoying the heft of her as she settled into his lap. 

The kiss started out as soft, tentative, and testing. She clearly felt more brave as her tongue tested along the line of his lips. He opened his mouth, and before long it was the type of kiss that parents might shield their childrens' eyes from. It was furious, and all consuming, and Ren could feel the slight edge of anger she still likely held from him there. She was trying to take him all in, as if it might clarify how she felt for him. His fingertips brushed up beneath the hem of her shirt, enjoying the fuzzy, warm feel of her skin. It was enough to break whatever spell she'd been under, and when she pulled back, they were both breathless and bleary eyed. 

"Do you still feel the same about me?" She asked. After a few dazed moments, he nodded. He absolutely did. "I did care about you," She said, seeming to realize what she had done. She quickly slid out of his lap, leaving him reaching for her. "I have to go. This was a bad idea,"   
"Wait," He muttered, though as ever, she didn't heed him at all. He heard her gathering her things. "Rey, please, wait," He stood up, following her out into the living room. "Just stay," He pleaded. "It's getting late, and we don't have to talk about this anymore," 

She dropped her bag after a few moments, turning to look at him. She was chewing on her bottom lip. She looked unsettled. 

He felt unsettled. 

She _had_ cared about him. 

Did that mean she still did?

☢

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought y'all had probably had enough of the outright suffering, so here's a kiss! 
> 
> title is taken from 'So Sorry' by Feist


	9. Just Like Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey didn't respond, deciding instead to quickly make her way upstairs. She found Rose sitting on her bed. Rose cheerfully looked up, though her features fell when she saw the look on Rey's face. 
> 
> "How was the movie--" She frowned. "What's wrong?"   
> "His friends made fun of me,"

☢

Coruscant, some years earlier

"He asked you to go to a movie?" Rose said, taking a moment to chew on the ice cream sandwich she'd scored out of the freezer.   
"Give me half of that," Finn said, eyeing it intently, like he was a dog.   
"No," She said, pulling away from him and holding the ice cream sandwich out of the way.   
"Yeah," Rey said, holding up her phone to show Rose proof of the conversation.   
"Do you have anything to wear?"   
"I have my sweater,"   
"Nooo," Finn and Rose both said in unison.  
"Do not wear that sweater," Rose said.   
"What's wrong with it?"   
"It's hideous," Rose hopped up from the couch. "Let's see if Holdo has something you can borrow,"   
"That sweater isn't--" She wasn't able to finish, as Rose grabbed her arm and yanked her up the stairs.   
"Holdoooo!" Rose shouted out. "Rey got asked out by a really rich classmate and she needs something to weaaaar!"   
"Rose, shut up! The whole house doesn't need to know,"  
"Too late," One of their house mates, Jolta, had stuck his head around the door to reply.   
"What?" Holdo said, coming out of the bathroom. She was wearing a mask. It was chore day, and they would all be roped into it eventually.   
"Rey needs something to wear to a movie tonight,"   
"What's wrong with Rey's clothes?" 

Rose arched her brow in reply, her hand held loosely around Rey's as they came to a pause. 

"Fine," Holdo said. "Come on," 

They followed Holdo into her room. Her closet was a thing of envy for most of them, considering she had all manner of clothes and shoes. Unfortunately, she and Rey didn't wear the same size shoe, but there were a few of Holdo's older things that some of the girls could fit into. She began rattling through her clothes, and Rey heard the scrape of hangers on the pole in the closet. She was puzzling, pausing sometimes on one garment only to shake her head and move onto the next. Rose had flopped down at her vanity, and was busy picking out a few makeup essentials. Rey realized she was going to be completely made over. 

Finally, she pulled one out. It was a pretty, pastel tangerine color, and it was short sleeved with a swing skirt. The middle had a cut out, where a flowered lace bit would show a tiny bit of skin. 

"This one," Holdo said, handing it over to Rey. 

She stood there, looking at it. 

"I can't wear this," Rey said.   
"Yes you can," Holdo said. "Come on, go put it on,"

☢

Rey had been poked and prodded, and the dress had been a bit loose around her waist, but Holdo had been able to pin it so that it fit properly. She hid the pins as best she could and gave Rey a white sweater to wear over the dress, assuring her that no one would notice. Rose had put a bit of make up on her, but Holdo kept her from going too far, which Rey found she was thankful for. Her hair had been smoothed out and pleated back, with a few loose strands hanging free around her features. She had been forced to take a pair of little worn ballet flats out of the back of her closet, but when the look was complete she found she didn't hate it.

The color complimented her skin tone and hair color, and brought out the hazel in her eyes. 

"Here," Holdo said, after knocking on her door and entering her room. She handed her a wrapped parcel.  
"What's this?"   
"I meant to give it to you on your birthday," She said. "But I thought it would be nice to have something new tonight. Open it," 

Rey tore the pretty paper away, opening the box to find a brand new, leather messenger bag sitting there. It was a caramel color, and Rey couldn't believe her eyes. She pulled it out, her mouth agape. It must have cost a small fortune. Holdo always tried to buy at least one new thing per birthday, but most of the gifts were always dollar store finds. It never mattered, anyway, it was more about overeating cake and ice cream and staying up late. 

"It's...beautiful," She said.   
"Good. Here," Holdo handed over her allowance, plus five extra bucks. "Make sure you're home by midnight," 

Curfew was usually at ten pm, but Rey had the feeling Holdo was excited she was branching out and allowing herself to go on an actual date.

By the time it was all said and done, the entire house was standing in the living room, waiting to see her off. A few of the younger ones couldn't figure out what the big deal was, and Rey was glad that she had told Kylo to meet her at the theater, and not here. She couldn't even imagine the reaction she'd get when all of her "siblings" came out onto the porch to ogle his car and ask him weird questions. 

"Stay safe," They all yelled at her while she was on her way out. Rose had given her explicit instructions to text her the events of the evening. 

Rey had swung her new bag over her shoulder after filling it with her things, and she felt strangely confident in a way she hadn't been expecting. It was almost as if she had shed the whole 'poor orphan girl' bit for just a moment. She was able to walk proudly wearing a dress that didn't have holes in it. 

It wasn't a far bus ride to the movie theater, and when Rey got off of the bus she finished the short walk to it in record time. She realized she was early, but she was surprised to find that Kylo was already there. He was standing off to the side, wearing a dark pair of jeans and a collared, short sleeved shirt. He'd taken off his leather bomber jacket and was holding it over his arm. He was hard to miss, but she could tell he had taken an extra minute or two with his appearance. 

He almost didn't recognize her, but when he did, his eyes widened in a way that made her feel a bit giddy. She had never thought herself pretty, but she felt pretty when he looked at her like that. She tried to get a handle on the emotion, and quickly pushed it back. 

"You look nice," He said, smiling.   
"You...do too," She said, looking down at her shoes momentarily to push a bit of hair from her face.   
"The movie doesn't start for a bit. I thought we could get something to eat,"   
"What's around here?"   
"There's a pretty decent Chinese food place,"   
"Oh, I love Chinese," She said. "But I'm not hungry,"  
"I am," He admitted. "If you don't mind,"   
"No, let's go," 

He walked with his hands in his pockets. He had a confident gait, but his toes pointed inward just a bit. His feet were already big, and she realized he had probably shot up a few inches overnight. Still, despite being a bit awkward, Rey could see the trimmings of the man he might become there. Commanding, unusual looking to the point of being handsome, and kind. Her brain asked her what he might want with a girl like her? 

Sometimes she wished she could tell it to shut up. 

"I've never seen you in a dress," He said, slowing his walk a bit so she might catch up with him, though she had been purposefully walking behind him.   
"We're not allowed to wear them at school," She pointed out.   
"Right, but even the few times I've seen you outside of school," He reminded her.   
"It's not mine," She admitted, giving him a smile that could only be described as bashful. "Why, you don't like it?"   
"No!" He replied. "I do like it, really,"   
"I wanted to wear something else, but my house mate said this was better,"   
"House mate?"   
"Rose," She said, realizing she was straying into dangerous territory. Did he know that she was an orphan who lived in what could be described as a half way house? 

Kylo Ren held the door open for her. He pulled her seat out when they sat down at the restaurant. He let her steal food off of his plate, even after she'd told him she wasn't hungry and didn't order anything. He gave her his jacket when she got chilly in the theater, and when he reached out and took her hand during a particularly tense moment in the movie, she grasped it tightly and squeezed her eyes shut. He only chuckled at her, holding onto her hand and crunching down too salty, too buttery popcorn that he had bought solely to share with her. 

He didn't argue with her when she bought him some chocolate covered raisins. 

He was, maybe, the nicest boy she'd ever met, outside of Finn. 

By the time the movie was over, she had almost forgotten why she had thought that she hated him. 

That was, until, they ran into his friends. 

"Ren!" Hux shouted, having recognized him from the crowd. Rey quickly slid her hand out of his, hoping that his friend hadn't seen.   
"Hey, Hux," Ren said, shoving his hand into his pocket after realizing he had nothing to do with it. 

Hux's run became less enthusiastic when he saw Rey. Rey smiled, at him and Rosemarie, but neither of them saw fit to return the gesture. She wished she hadn't let go of his hand, because she was feeling a bit wobbly. Rosemarie was one of the girls who might have had something to do with the gum in her hair. She wasn't about to pretend as if she wasn't, either. 

"Nice dress," She sneered. Hux laughed. "I see you got the gum out of your hair,"   
"Thanks," Rey said, trying not to grab her by her hair and beat her up, like she might have with her siblings.   
"Rosemarie, can you be at least a little tolerable?" Ren asked, looking at her through narrowed eyes.   
"Why? Because you want to hang out with trash?" The last word was so venomous Rey flinched. 

Ren grasped her hand. 

"I'll talk to you when you're done being an asshole," He said. Hux only looked over the whole mess as if he'd engineered it somehow and it pleased him greatly. "Come on, Rey," 

She carefully grabbed her hand away from his. 

"You stay. Thanks for the movie," She said, before turning heel and rushing out of the theater. She hadn't even realized her hair had come undone, and the glittery elastic Holdo had let her borrow had fallen out somewhere behind her. 

She felt the tears coming on. She had thought about how she might react to someone calling her trash many times, but she had never thought she'd run. Her chest was tight and she was having a hard time breathing, and she needed to get out of there. She made her way to the bus stop, trying to keep her pace quick so that she wouldn't miss the next bus. She was so distracted that she didn't realize there were foot steps following behind her. Ren grasped her arm, and forced her to stop. 

"Rey," He said, a bit breathless. "I'm sorry about that, I didn't know she was going to act like that,"   
"It's alright," She said. "I'm going to miss the next bus,"   
"It's barely ten," He said. "I was hoping we could go get something for dessert," He looked disappointed.   
"I really should get home," She persisted.   
"At least let me give you a ride,"  
"No!" She said, pulling her arm away. "I'm fine, really,"   
"But...it's dark, and--"  
"Really, it's okay,"   
"Rey, why won't you let me give you a ride?" He finally asked.   
"I don't want you to see where I live," She replied, looking down at the pavement. "You'll tell your awful friends and it will just be one more thing that I'll have to deal with on Monday,"   
"You think I had something to do with that?" He asked. "Rey, I didn't," He insisted. "Please let me give you a ride home. I'll drop you off a block away, if you really want,"   
She sniffed. She was trying not to cry.   
"Please? It's for me, really. I'll feel a lot better if I see you home," He admitted, leaning down to look into her face. He smiled, and she couldn't help but laugh a bit through the tears that were currently muddying up her vision. 

She let him lead her towards his car, strangely glad for his presence.

☢

He handed her some tissues once they were safely inside, though he didn't say anything. Rey was able to get herself back under control fairly quickly, but she did wipe at her eyes and her nose, seeing a bit of mascara coming away with the dampness. She balled it up and held it in her fist, both of which were then clasped down around her knees. Every muscle in her felt tense.

He turned the music on, though he kept it low. He drove in silence, but she could feel him looking at her every so often. Finally, she heard him take in a breath of air to try and speak. 

"You're not trash," He said. "I'm sorry she was such a jerk," He said. "I would never have tried to introduce you if I thought she was going to act like that,"   
"It's okay," She said.   
"No it's not," He replied. "Where am I going?" He finally asked, and she gave him directions. 

She was distracted by feeling bad, so she didn't remember to tell him to drop her off elsewhere. Rey could see that the curtains in the house had been drawn, but once the car was heard she could see people peeking out from around them. Ren leaned over to look, smirking a bit. 

"Seems like they already know you're home,"   
"They were probably waiting,"  
"Rey," He said. "Why did you agree to come out tonight?" He asked. It looked like it had been bothering him all night.   
Rey didn't know what to say.  
"I don't know, I thought it would be fun," His features fell, and she wished she hadn't said anything at all. Rose was always telling her she was too abrupt, and often times she didn't really say how she felt. 

He moved to get out of the car, presumably to let her out. 

"It's okay!" She said, causing him to pause. "I can open the door," She tried to dissipate some of the awkwardness of the night by teasing. "Thanks, it was fun,"   
"Up until my friends ruined it," He said. She could tell he was going to be hard on himself about it.   
"Please don't worry about it. It was fun, really," She reiterated, pausing awkwardly.   
"Goodnight," He said, though he looked like he was arguing with himself over whether or not he wanted her to go yet. 

Rey opened the car door, and shut it behind her. She leaned down into the window that had been rolled down, and through it she handed him the half eaten box of chocolate raisins. 

"Goodnight," She smiled, watching him take it. 

She turned around and jogged up the stairs, noticing that Ren waited until she was safe indoors before he turned the car back on and drove away from the house. When she got inside, the rest of her house mates were in the living room, acting as if they hadn't noticed. Holdo was on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn in her lap. 

"How was the movie?" 

Rey didn't respond, deciding instead to quickly make her way upstairs. She found Rose sitting on her bed. Rose cheerfully looked up, though her features fell when she saw the look on Rey's face. 

"How was the movie--" She frowned. "What's wrong?"   
"His friends made fun of me,"

☢

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> annngst. high school angst. longer chapter, some of these chapters might be structured a bit differently since I want to tell more of a story but don't want the chapters to be tooo long. 
> 
> Title is from the cure's 'Just Like Heaven' 
> 
> Rosemarie, you a binch


	10. A Vicious Cycle Turning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **You should get a couch.**
> 
> He smiled. 
> 
> It was a start.

☢

Coruscant, some years earlier

Kylo Ren was angry. He drove fast, hitting 100 miles per hour more than once. He was surprised he didn't get pulled over, but sometimes a person got lucky. There were a few people left behind that honked and yelled, but it didn't stop him. He didn't even know where he was going, until he realized he had pulled up in front of Hux's house. He knew that he was likely there with Rosemarie. Hux's parents were never home, which meant that he pretty much did whatever he wanted. Ren second guessed himself when he heard music trailing out from behind the door. Maybe they were celebrating the fact that they were total assholes. 

Ren knocked on the door loudly. It went without a reply, until he started banging without stopping until the door swung open. It was Hux, who looked irritated and then snide. Ren grabbed him by his collar before he had a chance to open his mouth, using his newfound strength to haul him back across his expensive throw rug. 

"Ren, what--" He exclaimed, struggling against his hand at his neck. 

He didn't know where the sudden burst of energy came from, but every time he remembered Rey's face, her crumpled, sad face, it seemed renewed. He flung Hux back against the couch. Ren didn't want to hurt anyone, really, but he did want them to listen to him. His presence was met with pleasure, at first, and then confusion at his apparent state. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Hux sneered, trying to right his collar.   
"Shut up," Ren said. "Did you tell Rosemarie to say those things to Rey?"   
"What does it matter?"   
"It matters," Ren said firmly, realizing his height and the deep tone of his voice made this easier. "Did you?" He asked again, his words a bit venomous. He looked up, realizing Rosemarie was huddling down in the corner.   
"So what if I did? She's right, the girl is trash," Hux said in a blase reply. "We don't hang out with girls like that,"  
"You don't, clearly," Ren said. "But you're worse than she is," Ren shouted. "I can't believe you actually think that it's alright to talk to people like that. At least she tried to treat you like a person, even though you don't deserve it," Ren looked at Rosemarie, who looked like she might be trying to leave the party. "Leaving so soon?" He held his hand up in a motion to stop her. She did, standing straight up.   
"I'm not going to stop until she goes back to where she came from," Hux said, gathering his courage and standing up to stare back at Ren. "I don't think there's anything you can do about that. I can say what I like,"   
"You should be applauding her ability to get into that school without having to rely on dad's money, not cutting her down because she isn't like you are," Ren said. "Speaking of your dad, aren't he and my mother in contact?" 

The color drained out of Hux's face. He was surely seeing his party days melt away into years spent at a military school. The only reason Brendol didn't know was because he was never home, but if Leia happened to let it slip to him, Hux would surely have a lot more to do, and none of it would involve drinking his father's liquor or throwing parties in his father's house. 

"You wouldn't," Hux said, and Ren could see on his face that they were no longer going to be friends. He wasn't sure if he was upset about that fact, or not.   
"I would, and I will, unless you and your girlfriend tell me, right now, that you're going to leave her alone," He looked out across the room. "This includes all of you. If I even hear a whisper about someone messing with Rey, I'll make sure all of your parents know," It was maybe, a low blow, but people were way more afraid of Leia than they were of him. 

His mother had a ton of influence, after all. 

"I won't--"  
"AND," Ren started, cutting Hux off. "You're both going to apologize to her," 

Hux was staring at him in disbelief and anger. Ren could almost see the wheels turning in his head. He knew what it meant, if Leia got wind of it, it might mean his entire future would be jeopardized. Ren didn't point out that his mother likely wouldn't do such a thing, but he wouldn't have put it past her to tell Brendol, out of concern, what his son was up to. 

Rosemarie had become, suddenly, very interested in the carpet. 

"Fine," Hux said, sitting back down on the expensive leather couch with a 'fwump'.  
"And you," Ren said, coming to stand in front of Rosemarie. "I hope you grow a brain. Using his isn't going to get you anywhere in life," 

The whole room had gone completely silent, and Ren gave one last look around it before he turned towards the door. He strode quickly out of the house, slamming the door open and heading down the steps of the house. He heard Hux following him. He was saying something, but Ren didn't stop to reply. He did catch the tail end of '-you're an idiot if you're willing to throw your friends away because you have a hard on for this girl-', but Ren really didn't care. 

Rey had already sent him a text saying that it was probably better they didn't see one another again. 

It had just seemed like the right thing to do, anyway. 

He got into his car and drove away, making sure he flipped Hux off on his way out of the drive way.

☢

When he got home, his mom was waiting up for him. He didn't realize how late it had gotten, but he hadn't called her like he usually did. She didn't really set a curfew for him, but he wasn't one to stay out much past a certain time. He put the code into the key pad and heard the door unlock. She was standing in the kitchen in her robe, her hair braided in one long plait down her back. She looked concerned, but when she saw his face, she realized it hadn't been such a great night.

"What happened?" She asked.   
"I don't think you'll be seeing Rey again," He said, sliding out of his jacket and hanging it aside.   
"Oh, Ben," She said, reaching out for his hand. "I'm sorry,"   
"It's alright," He shrugged, though he didn't feel so great on the inside. "I'm going to go to bed,"  
"Do you want some cocoa?"   
"No thanks. You should get some sleep," 

When he got in his room, he flopped down on his bed, stomach first. His room was dark, the faint glow of a globe light that showed constellations giving him enough light to see. He rolled over onto his back and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He opened his messages, hoping to see another from Rey. 

11:30 PM **We come from two different places.**   
11:32 PM **Maybe we shouldn't see each other like that again.**

In the short time he'd gotten to know her, he knew it was probably better not to push her, even if he wanted to. He sighed roughly and set his phone on his stomach before he began thinking back. Had they been bullying her since she came into the school? No wonder she hated him. She'd had to sit through all of it and he had been too stupid to notice it. The gum in the hair, her comment about how him being nice to her would only make it worse. Hopefully they would at least leave her alone, now, but Ren knew he might have just put a big target on his own back. He didn't really care. 

Maybe he had known for awhile that Hux had lost most of his redeeming qualities as he'd gotten older. 

He heard his phone 'ping', and he quickly looked at it. He was disappointed to find it was Poe, not Rey, who had messaged him. He opened it. 

**What happened? I just got this really weird call from Hux.**  
Ren responded after looking at it for a few moments.   
**I'll tell you about it on Monday.**

He turned his phone off, rolled over, and fell asleep...still dressed. 

On Monday, Rey ignored him. He had been meaning to give her back the sparkly elastic band that had fallen out of her hair, but he never got a chance. Instead, he wore it on his wrist. 

It was surprisingly quiet. People were friendly to Ren, mostly because they weren't sure what else to be towards him. At the end of the day, Rosemarie and Hux walked up to her and apologized, and for a brief moment, Ren really believed they meant it. 

Until he saw the look on Hux's face. It was pure anger. 

Ren didn't care, as long as Hux apologized it didn't matter to him how pissed he was about having to do so. Rey looked surprised, but he could tell that she had relaxed a bit. Ren tugged his books out of his locker and walked past her, and though she looked at him briefly, he quickly dropped his eyes to the tile and made his way out front. 

He understood why she had rejected him. It still didn't feel any better, though.

☢

Coruscant, present day

Rey's phone went off. She looked down at it. 

"It's Rose," She said. "She got out of whatever it was she had to do, she's coming to get me,"   
"Oh," Ren said in reply, his lips still tingling with the memory of the kiss she'd planted on him. He couldn't help but be disappointed. It seemed like Rey was always turning away from him.   
"Thanks for the food," She said, awkwardly.   
"Don't worry about it," Were they just going to go back to pretending like nothing had happened? Or worse, was she going to go back to being angry with him? "Rey," 

She paused at the door, hoisting her bag over her shoulder. 

"I meant what I said," He confirmed. "And you were right about my friends," 

She laughed. 

"I know," She responded, before she left the apartment. 

It felt strangely empty once she was gone, and Ben moved through the kitchen, doing his best to clean up the food. He was distracted though, and he knocked a fork off of a plate, causing it to fling sauce all over the side of his fridge. He sighed, wiping it off before dumping all of the dishes in the sink. He ran some hot water, and he heard his phone go off, but he thought it was probably the gallery owner, pestering him for his final finished piece. 

He swiped the screen, turning the back light on. When he opened the message, it was from a number he didn't recognize. 

**You should get a couch.**

He smiled. 

It was a start.

☢

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK! after going back n forth i decided just to post this and keep on goin'. be gentle with me.   
> sorry about the drama, tho.  
> thanks for all of your kind support and encouragement! it made me wanna keep going. 
> 
> title is from 'The Burning Down' by Kings X


	11. Babe, I'm gonna get you back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She kept thinking about her hand in his. She kept wishing she had kissed him, that night. If it was to be the last time she would speak to him, she thought, why hadn't she just taken the chance?

☼

Coruscant, some years earlier

Rey looked at the text message again. It had been a week, the time stamp indicating that it had been received and read that long ago. She had told Ren she didn't want to see him again, but for some reason she kept wishing that he had asked her why. She wished that he had said something, but she hadn't been sure of what she had been expecting. She thought about deleting it, and blocking his number. She was angry with him for not responding, but she wasn't sure she wouldn't have been angry if he had. 

She wished she could figure out what in the hell she wanted. 

She was surprised, the Monday after, when Hux and his girlfriend walked up and apologized to her. She hadn't been expecting it at all, and she wondered what had brought it on. It wasn't just that day, either. The girls left her alone, some of them were even friendly. Ren didn't speak to her, but he did try to be polite. He nodded, and smiled, when he could, but he didn't give her any undue attention. 

She kept thinking about her hand in his. She kept wishing she had kissed him, that night. If it was to be the last time she would speak to him, she thought, why hadn't she just taken the chance? 

The rest of her sophomore year went on without much to note. 

She was surprised when it came to an end. She was surprised when the final essays were turned in, and the final tests taken, and the final bell of the year rang. The halls were boisterous, and Rey stopped at her locker to pull out of all of her books. She paused in her motions when she spotted an unfamiliar little box sitting in front of her belongings. She saw a small note attached, in hand she wasn't sure she recognized. It read 'Congratulations', and Rey thought it must have been from one of her teachers from scoring the highest in the city on her standardized tests. 

She peeled open the box after looking around. Inside was a small velvet box. She opened it, finding a small golden sun pendant glittering within. It was on a slender, golden chain, and she sucked in a small gasp of air as she looked at it. It was, perhaps, the prettiest thing that she had ever seen. There was no note, and when she looked up, she expected to see Kylo Ren watching her...but the hallways were empty. He wasn't there. 

She wanted to text him, and tell him thank you...but she wasn't ready to bridge that gap yet. She kept trying to tell herself that she'd made the right choice. Different worlds, different people. She did have to wonder at his friends sudden turn around, though. 

She wondered if she should throw the necklace away. She didn't want to encourage him, right? It would have been unkind. Without being able to make a decision, she put the small box in her bag and took it home with her. 

The summer started out joyfully enough. Holdo allowed them to have a couple of weeks to do nothing but eat junk food and watch TV. She was going through summer school, though, and she wasn't at home as often, which meant that the inevitable entropy began. The house wasn't as clean, and she wasn't stocking up the cabinets as much. She did her best to bring food home as often as she could, but she looked so exhausted that most of them didn't have it in them to tell her that they needed something. Rey turned seventeen right after school had let out, and after a quiet birthday party, the three of them grew tired of hanging around the house all of the time. 

Rose began hanging out at one of the local arcades, and before long, they had hired her to deal with the machines and the customers. She said she hated it, but she brought home free candy and nachos as often as she could. Finn loved it, because he got endless time on the old arcade games. Eventually, they hired him too, and he commandeered the snack bar with a ruthlessness that had heretofore been experienced. Rey began to get lonely, the more her friends worked, and she began to envy the extra pocket money they had. 

She felt bad relying on them for food, but sometimes they overrode her and brought her actual meals. 

It was with the goal of finding a job that she went out on a quiet, particularly balmy Saturday. A lot of places turned their noses up at a girl who had no experience. Many of them kindly told her they weren't hiring, or that a position had been filled. She eventually found herself downtown, though the mission was looking pretty bleak. Her feet directed her towards the diner, which had become a favorite, even if she did actively try to avoid running into Ren there. She felt like it was divine intervention when she saw a 'Help Wanted' sign hung in the window. 

She was determined. 

She pulled it out of the window and made her way in, holding it up. 

"Looking for help?" She asked, and Luke looked up from whatever it was he was doing.   
"Yeah, but not from a high school kid," He replied.   
"Why not?"   
"Because, none of the high school kids I've ever hired have been worth anything," He said, a smirk on his face as he continued counting change.   
"I'm worth something," She persisted. "I'll be the best waitress you've ever had," 

Luke laughed, huskily. He seemed to be thinking it over. 

"Alright kid," He muttered. "When can you start?"   
"Today!" Rey said, suddenly overexcited.   
"Come on back, then. We'll get you a shirt,"

☼

Rey supposed it was inevitable that she would meet up with Kylo Ren, eventually. It was about three weeks after she'd started. Before long, the summer would be coming to a close, but Luke had already agreed to let Rey stay on part time, if she wanted. He liked her, despite the fact that he was too salty to really tell her. She understood him, though. She felt like they sort of spoke the same language. Little did she know, her background was a good deal like his was.

Ren came in alone, which she thought was odd. She was expecting to see him with his friends, but when she thought back, she realized she hadn't seen him with his friends since the night they'd gone out. Occasionally, he would talk to Poe, but Poe seemed stuck in the middle of something that was generally unpleasant. 

She watched him walk in, clearing her throat quietly as she grabbed her pad and pen. She walked over to his table after he'd sat down. If it was possible, he'd grown another couple of inches in height, and it seemed like he was putting on weight. His muscled shoulders and biceps were obvious against clothes that might have been too small after the growth spurt. She noted that he drew even more attention now. 

He was surprised when she walked up to his table and asked him what he wanted. She guessed, then, that Luke hadn't told him. She wondered if Luke even knew that they had a connection. The small little sun pendant glinted like gossamer floss around her neck. He looked at it, before stammering out his order. Coffee, and a #3, which happened to be more meat than what should have been allowed for breakfast food. 

Luke looked up from his temporary cook duties when the order was placed. 

"Ah, I thought I smelled miscreant," He said, his voice loud from behind the counter.   
Ren lifted his hand and waved idly, but he was acting a bit like he had swallowed his tongue.   
"What, no saucy reply?" Luke asked, clicking his tongue and slinging the hash. When the order was completed, Rey returned with it and a full carafe of coffee.   
"Thanks," He muttered, looking at his big hands.   
"Sure," Rey said, as airily as possible. 

Ren ate fast. He over-tipped. And then he left. 

Rey watched him quickly make his way down the street, wondering where he was going. She had the distinct impression that she had scared him off. Luke even came out of the back, hands akimbo on his hips. 

"What the hell was wrong with him?"   
"I don't know," Rey replied. "He's your nephew, isn't he?"   
"How'd you know that--" 

Rey just shrugged and moved on to her next customer.

☼

"Come on, Rey," Rose was whining at her door. "We get free passes to all of the rides. Summer is almost over. Let's goooo," She extended the last word and it resembled a cat who had mistakenly rolled down a hill.  
"I have reading to catch up on,"  
"Oh, please. I know you've read everything on that stupid little list of yours and more," Rose grabbed the piece of paper from Rey, dangling it as Rey tried to reclaim it. "Puhleeeease," Rose persisted.  
"Fine," Rey said, grabbing her piece of paper back. "But I'm not borrowing any of Holdo's clothes, and I'm not wearing lipstick," She grumbled.  
"No lipstick, but..." Rey turned her around and shoved her out of her room, slamming the door behind her.

Rey stuck to a pair of faded black jeans and a loose hanging t-shirt that had one of her favorite bands splashed on the front of it. She tied her hair back into a half pony tail, and pulled the necklace she was always now wearing out from underneath the collar of the shirt. She stuck to chapstick and sunscreen, and when she came down the stairs in her sneakers, she found Rose and Finn already ready to go. 

It was the end of the season fair, which meant that the employees got passes to the park, hopefully encouraging them to spend their hard earned dimes on corn dogs and games that they would never win. Rey always looked forward to the bumper boats, and dreaded the roller coasters.

When they got there, it was packed. They had to get through the arcade to get out into the park, and Rose immediately noticed Ren. He had found a pinball machine, and was currently standing in front of it, trying to beat the high score. She expected to see a group of people standing around him, but he was alone. There were a few girls tittering in the snack bar, likely impressed by the sheer width and breadth of his shoulders and how they happened to look in that particular t-shirt. Not that Rey had noticed, or anything. 

"He looks lonely," Rose said.   
"Yeah," Finn agreed. "But didn't he pick on you, or something?"   
"No, his friends did," Rey said.   
"Doesn't look like he has any," Finn pointed out.   
"Rey, go ask him if he wants to hang out with us," Rose said. "I have an extra wrist band,"  
"No," Rey said, shoving the band back to Rose.   
"Fine," Rose said. "Then I will,"   
"Rose!" Rey whisper-shouted, but it was too late. She was determined. 

Rey watched them talk. She flushed bright red when Rose pointed at her. She wondered if he would even agree if she was part of the deal. However, he nodded, and Rose hopped up and down a few times before she handed him a neon green paper wristband. She helped him get it on, and he awkwardly shoved his hands into his pockets, following behind her with his eyes on the ground. 

"Hey," Finn said, offering his hand in a shake. "Don't think we've met. I'm Finn," He offered.   
"Ren," He replied, shaking his hand. "Nice to meet you,"  
"I've heard a lot about you, like about how much money your parents make. Is it true they own most of the city?" Rose grabbed Finn's hand when it became apparent that Finn was in danger of spilling too much second hand information about Ren.  
"Come on, Finn," Rose said. "I want to go on the bumper boats,"   
"I wanted to go mini golfing," Finn whined as he was dragged away. 

"Hey," Rey said, awkwardly.   
"Hey," He replied, his eyes on his feet.   
"I'm sorry about Rose," She said. "She thought you seemed lonely,"   
"Oh," Ren replied. He didn't seem surprised that it wasn't Rey who had asked him over.   
"Where are your friends?"   
"What friends?" He asked.   
"Um...the angry ginger ferret, and his small rat-like girlfriend," Rey responded, before she even realized what she said. She clamped her hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry!" She said, through her hands. 

Ren laughed. Out loud. 

"It's okay. I guess he does kind of look like a ferret," He said. "We don't really talk anymore,"   
"Oh," Rey replied, dropping her hands to her sides. "You don't have to hang out with me, if you don't want to,"   
"I would like to," He replied, finally looking at her. "If you want me,"

☼

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is ripped straight out of 'The Boys of Summer' by Don Henley. Don't judge. 
> 
> spamming out the chapters cause I might be without internet for awhile, so enjoy while it laaasts
> 
> <3


	12. Tell it to the Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Rey," He said. "Can I see you tomorrow night?"  
> "Sure," She replied. "Goodnight," 
> 
> He watched as she disappeared behind her door, sure that he had the silliest, stupidest smile plastered on his face. Even if the night hadn't ended how he might have hoped, he felt strangely good about it.

☼

Coruscant, present day

Kylo Ren couldn't think of a summer where it rained so much, but somewhere into the third week of it the skies started dousing the city with buckets of rain. It was so much rain that some of the streets were rendered unusable by floods. It made his life hard, and he had been forced to break his old car out of the garage and use it to get around, even though driving in the city was succinctly more miserable than biking or walking. It was one of those cities where it didn't really behoove anyone to drive. 

Still, it was better than coming home every night soaked through to the bone. 

He hadn't seen Rey for nearly two weeks. She sent him the occasional text message, mostly musings that she managed to come up with from her day, and he sent her a few in reply. Still, Ren was fearful of pushing her too hard. He was worried whatever good will she had apparently reclaimed towards him would scatter to the wind if he overloaded her with too much, too fast. However, he had a distinct desire not to overthink it any longer, so on one such rainy day when he would have the evening free, he left a post it note stuck to her door. 

_Dinner tonight? My place?_

When he left that morning for the studio, he saw that she had stuck the very same post it back on his door - though, to his pleasure, he saw that she had scribbled out a small reply. 

_Sure, see you after work. -R_

It left him with a pleasant buoyancy throughout the day, even after the gallery manager had given him the business for not having his final piece done yet. They didn't have much time left, after all, and the open date had already been pushed back a few times. People would lose even more interest. Ren wasn't sure he even cared, anymore, but he realized he was going to have to present his piece as it was: Rey. 

He guessed it was somehow fitting, considering her presence in his life had forever disrupted the course of it. 

Not that he minded. 

He made sure to get out of the door early, to be home in time. He was pleasantly surprised when he saw her walking, though she had no umbrella and was now drenched. The front of her uniform was covered in what looked like chocolate syrup and coffee. She looked a bit disgruntled, and he had the brief thought that she might try to cancel on him. He pulled up to her and rolled down his window, calling her name through the sound of the rain. She went rigid, though she turned to see the source of it. 

"Need a lift?"  
"I'm not supposed to talk to strangers," She said, jokingly, though she barely managed a smile.  
"I'm Ren," He shouted through the din. "Now we're not strangers," It seemed better just to play along, and he was happy to see her make her way into the street and open the door to his car, sliding wetly into the seat.  
"You still have this thing?" She asked, looking around.  
"Yeah," He merged back into traffic, though it only took him a few minutes to get back to the complex from where she was.  
"It's seen better days,"  
"Yep," He agreed, laughing.  
"I have to say, Kylo Ren," She smiled. "You've turned out surprisingly normal, considering your not-so-humble beginnings,"  
"Thank you, I think," 

When they got back to the complex, Rey begged off to put on dry clothes. She promised she'd come by in a few minutes, and he was forced to let her go, though he did still worry that she might change her mind at any minute. He went into his apartment and changed into a simple black tee and a pair of dry jeans. He went about his plan of cooking something instead of ordering take out. His mother had taught him a few tricks that would make the few dishes he did know how to make good, but he was no talent in the kitchen mostly. 

He stuck to a dish he did know, which he thought most people probably knew, spaghetti and meatballs. 

She knocked on the door about forty five minutes later, and he yelled that it was open over the din of his current cooking experiment. She came in, and he looked up at her. He was a bit surprised to find her standing there in a small, black dress. It fit her perfectly, and it had a mesh overlay that barely touched the tops of her thighs. She'd dried her hair out and put on a bit of makeup. He was beginning to wonder if he should feel special. 

"Wow," He said.  
"Need some help?"  
"Sure," He pointed, handing her an oven mitt. "Can you pull the garlic bread out of the oven?"  
"I didn't know you could cook,"  
"I can't, really. This is one of those things that my mom insisted I do all through my formative years," He admitted. "I think she was hoping that at least I would know how to make something," He smirked at her, dumping steaming pasta into a strainer. 

He watched as she bent down, retrieving the garlic bread. He could see, thanks to the dress, that she had filled out in a few areas. She was still athletic, and slender, but she wasn't a high school kid anymore. Ren felt a jolt of something, heat sliding downward through his limbs. He looked away, and they went through the domestic ritual of setting the table. Ren pulled out a bottle of wine, and after popping the cork, they sat down at his small table. 

"What did you mean earlier?" He asked curiously, after they'd eaten.  
"About you being normal?" She asked, taking a sip of wine and looking at him curiously. "All signs pointed to you becoming a ruthless business mogul with more money than God," She smirked, letting out a bit of laughter.  
"Really?" He asked, smirking and taking a bite of what was left of his garlic bread. "I really seemed that way?"  
"At first, yeah," She said. "But that might have just been my imagination,"  
"You were hard on me," He teased. She took another sip of wine.  
"You probably deserved it,"  
"I won't argue there," He tossed his napkin on top of the table.  
"Why didn't you tell me about what happened with Hux?" She asked, looking at him over the rim of her wineglass.  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Poe just happened to come into the coffee shop today,"  
"Isn't that a coincidence," Ren said, suddenly wondering if he was flushing with embarrassment.  
"He said you told Hux off after that night, and that's why you weren't talking anymore,"  
"Yeah, that's true," He admitted. "It seemed like the right thing to do,"  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
"I didn't want you to think I had done it because I wanted to get back in your good graces. I did it because it was the right thing to do," He took a sip of wine. "Besides, it wouldn't have changed anything, I don't think,"  
"Maybe not," She paused. "I think I kind of already knew, anyway," Rey said, taking a gulp of wine and redirecting her attention to the living room, likely growing uncomfortable under his intense gaze. "Hey! You bought a couch!" 

He watched her stand up and move into the living room. He gathered the plates and put them in the sink before following her, his hands in his back pockets. He was wishing he could touch her. It was a dull, annoying ache. 

"What happened to your bed?"  
"Put it in the art studio," He smiled. "There's no room, but hey,"  
"Kylo Ren, will you do anything I tell you to do?" She asked, suddenly playful. He couldn't think of a time he had seen her so in the moment.  
"Pretty much, yeah," He said, reaching out suddenly to take her hand. He expected her to pull away, but she didn't. "Didn't you know?"  
"I guess not," 

He surprised even himself when he leaned in, with the intent to kiss her. 

"What are you doing?" She asked.  
"Trying to get a very good look at your face," He teased. "I guess I had a kiss in mind,"  
"I suppose," She replied, leaning in to meet him halfway. 

It was different. Slow. A sweet intermingling of breath, faintly tinted with red wine. She was testing, teasing, and he responded in kind, leaning down into her. His hands found their way to the small of her waist and the curve of her hips, dropping dangerously low with ill intent. She didn't stop him, and before long, they ended up on his new couch; making out like teenagers. It felt good, considering it was not something they had ever really gotten to do. Of course, now there was no worry of either one of his parents walking in and finding them. 

She was on top of him, with her legs on either side of his hips, and his hands flattened against the skin there, enjoying the scrape of the mesh skirt over the soft warmth of her outer thigh. Ren was stiff against the hot spot between her legs, and without much thought she rolled her hips down on top of him, causing him to let out a smothered groan. 

She pulled back, suddenly. He must have looked half confused, mostly aroused. 

"Is everything okay?" He asked breathlessly.  
"Yeah, yes," She repeated. "I should probably go,"  
"Did I do something?"  
"No," She paused. "I'm not sure that I'm ready for this,"  
"That's okay," He said, surprised at her willing admission. The Rey he had known before might not have. 

She slid off of him, and he watched her pick up her shoes and pull her skirt down. She pressed her lips together before she ran her fingers through her hair. After a few moments, he stood up with the intention of seeing her to the door. She put her fingertips in his belt loop, tugging him closer for a brief, parting kiss. 

"Thanks for dinner," She said.  
"Any time," Ren said, feeling a bit like he might follow her out of his apartment and into hers. 

She turned to go back to her apartment. 

"Rey," He said. "Can I see you tomorrow night?"  
"Sure," She replied. "Goodnight," 

He watched as she disappeared behind her door, sure that he had the silliest, stupidest smile plastered on his face. Even if the night hadn't ended how he might have hoped, he felt strangely good about it.

☼

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is taken from 'Sherman Oaks' by Exes
> 
> before you get all mad about the cockblocking, i will explain that i feel her character might not be ready for THAT THING yet so please go easy on me 
> 
> also, go easy on Ren. i know he ain't a typical romance buff dude here, but i feel like saying it's okay when someone changes their mind about sex is a REAL GOOD THING ok guys
> 
> happy 4th, if you're in merikuh
> 
> also, if you like this fic and you have a tumblr where you're not afraid to post reylo content (i understand if you are afraid of antis) i would appreciate you sharing it. i'm hoping this fic hits 10,000 views. help me out! 
> 
> <3 <3 <3


	13. Don't dream, it's over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey tried not to think about it. She knew she would only hurt her own feelings before she knew the truth. The longer the silence was, though, the more worried she got. She began to think that it wasn't that he was ignoring her, but that he couldn't reply. She called him a few more times in the early hours of the morning, but eventually it stopped ringing and went straight to voice mail. Had he turned his phone off to avoid her calls?

♡

Coruscant, some years earlier

The first few games were a bit awkward. Ren threw a baseball at a mannequin who had a bowler hat on with all of his might, and still, he couldn't knock it off of his head. Eventually, though, he got lucky at getting a cap on a milk bottle, which meant that they won a half dead goldfish in a plastic bag. Rey would have been surprised if the thing wasn't dead by the end of the night. Out of obligation, Ren handed it off to her as some sort of 'I conquered' gift. She took it, considering how strange he was acting. She had rejected him, after all. 

When she took his hand and dragged him in the direction of the 'music express' ride, he stiffened visibly before he let himself relax. He complained about it. He hated how they played 'Blinded by the Light', but she eventually coaxed him into a car with her, a car he barely fit in. By the end of it they were laughing at the general stupidity of it. When the ride went around again, Ren groaned at the repeat of the song. 

"Let's go on the roller coaster," He said.   
"No," Rey replied. "I hate them,"   
"How can you hate a roller coaster?"   
"They're terrifying!"   
"Are you scared?"   
"No!" She shouted.   
"What's the problem then?" Did he already know that egging her on was a good way to get her to do something?

Rey felt as if she'd been strangely compelled to go on the roller coaster. 

She might have had a sway on him, but she had yet to realize that he held a sway over her, too. 

He held her hand. The awkwardness between them dissipated, and it was almost as if they were both able to forget that they were high school kids who were right in the middle of trying to misunderstand one another (and mostly had succeeded thus far). She screamed, and he laughed, and when the stomach turning ride was over, Rey was sure she was going to puke rainbow cotton candy all over the sidewalk. 

"You got her to go on the roller coaster?" Finn asked, surprised.   
"Why?" Ren asked, setting down a paper cup full of lemon lime soda in front of an ailing Rey.  
"We've never been able to do that," Rose said, and a pause allowed Rose and Finn to look at each other in surprise and perhaps admiration.   
"Stop that," Rey said, looking up.   
"Stop what?"   
"Stop praising him for nearly causing me to throw up,"  
"Hey, you didn't have to go," He said, taking a bite out of a soft pretzel.   
"You challenged me," She muttered, taking a sip of the soda. It did help settle her stomach a bit.   
"So what? If I challenged you to jump off of a bridge, would you?"   
"Maybe," Rey said, aware that her tone was grumpy but quickly losing steam.   
"She wants to be better than you," Rose said. Finn nodded. Oh good, they were going to help stir the pot.   
"Better than me?" Ren asked curiously, looking at her. "What does that mean?"  
"Better grades, better friends, better life, better everything," Finn replied.   
"Would you two please shut up?" Rey said, her teeth clamped together.   
"She already does," Ren said, taking another bite of the pretzel. 

Rey looked up in surprise, finding he was staring at her with his melty chocolate doe eyes. 

"That's what we told her," Finn said, digging around with a corn chip in his seemingly endless boat of nachos.   
"I'm gonna go home," Rey said. When she stood, she nearly fell into the table. 

Ren was quick to get up and steady her. Finn and Rose looked disappointed to have their fair evening cut short. 

"I'm not done with my nachos,"   
"I'll take her," Ren said, looking at Rose and Finn. Rey expected them to speak up, but neither of them did, causing her to look at them in what she hoped displayed as 'pointed daggers'. 

Rose airily looked away and Finn shrugged, crunching on a nacho. Neither of them seemed interested in preventing it. 

"I'm going to go home and see about finding new friends," She said, sharply.   
"Good luck!" Rose said, stealing one of Finn's nachos. "We'll bring you a stuffed animal,"   
"You better take the fish with you," Finn held up the bag. "He looks deceased,"   
"Bye Ren," Rose said. Finn barely looked up from his nachos to wave.

♡

"I can get home on my own," She said. "I'm okay, really,"  
"We're going to have this argument again, huh?" He asked, playfulness creeping into his tone.  
"I'm no wilting flower," She admitted.  
"No, no one would ever accuse you of that," He admitted. "Still, I would like to take you home," He pointed. "I don't think the fish is gonna survive a bus ride anyway,"  
"You're probably right. Poor Howard,"  
"Howard? I thought it was Henry,"  
"Harold?" She asked. They both laughed.

He kept his hands in his pockets, but she wished she could find a reason to reach out and take one. She was still mad at him about the roller coaster. Maybe it was the summer, stretching out behind them, making them older, that seemed to dull the thought that Ren just wasn't for her. Too fine for every day. It was easy to forget how all of his friends and probably even his family disagreed with her as a person, excepting his Uncle Luke, of course. 

"How come Luke runs a diner?" She asked as they walked away from the fair in silence, the crowds thinning as they got further away.   
"As opposed to?"   
"Well, doesn't your family own most of the city?"   
"Yeah, something like that," She thought she could sense a bit of discomfort in his tone. He didn't want to talk about it, so she went right for it.   
"So?"   
"He's never been one for board meetings and smiles," Ren admitted. "My mom is more suited for it. She's got a better attitude,"   
"What about you?"   
"What about me?"   
"Are you going to take the company from your mom?"   
"It's an option that I have," He said. "But it's not one that appeals to me,"   
"Will she disown you if you don't?"   
"You read too many novels," He said, smirking. "No, she says that no matter what I choose, it's okay with her,"   
"What would you choose?"   
"I don't know," He said, honestly. "What about you? With your grades you could go anywhere,"   
"I don't know either," She admitted, her eyes on the ground. She sipped at the leftover remnants of the lemon lime soda. "I think it's stupid to make teenagers choose when most of us don't even brush our teeth every day,"   
"Ew," He said. "You don't brush your teeth every day?" 

She rolled her eyes at him. 

"Rey," He started. She got the feeling he was going to say something she might not like. "Would it be okay..." He paused, his eyes on the ground. "Would it be okay if we were friends when school starts again?"   
"What about your friends?"   
"I don't think they'll care," He said.   
"Alright," She said. "But if I get called garbage again, that's it for you,"   
"Fair enough," He said, laughing.

♡

Coruscant, present day

"You had sex," Lima said, looking at her with wide, bright eyes.   
"No," Rey said, looking at her in a confused fashion.   
"Really? I could have sworn," Lima said. "Was it with the hot guy you hate?"   
"Lima," Rey said. "It's way too early for this,"   
"Have some coffee," Lima said. "I wonder where you can find some," She rolled her eyes, before she went about cleaning the machines and filling the display. 

Rey couldn't help it when her mind kept turning to the night before. She tried to shake it off, but stubbornly, she kept thinking about it. She kept thinking about kissing him, her body on his. She kept thinking about the noises he made, and how she had enjoyed drawing them out of him. At one point, she physically shook her head in an attempt to rattle the thoughts out of her brain. She didn't want to admit to herself that she was excited to see him again that night, and she kept an eye on the door of the coffee shop, hopeful she might catch a glimpse of him. 

He didn't come in, but she was pleased to find that he had texted her when she took her first break. 

**I can't stop thinking about you.**

Her first inclination was to downplay how much she had been thinking about him, but that was something old Rey would have done. She would have made him feel embarrassed just by being dishonest about how she felt. She mulled over what she should say for awhile before she settled with a simple: 

**Me too.**

**What time can we meet?**   
**I have class tonight, I won't be home until 8:30**  
 **Perfect**

When Rey got home that night, she showered quickly and put on some of the cutest clothes she could find. She texted him, and expected him to reply with relative quickness. When he didn't, her mood fell just a bit. When the time ticked on, and a full hour passed by, she got the nerve up to go knock on his door. There was no reply. She tried calling him, to see if he might answer, or to see if she could hear his phone behind the door. No reply, no phone ringing. He wasn't home then, unless he had his phone on silent...but the silence behind the door seemed too still to indicate he was home and was just ignoring her. 

Why would he be ignoring her? He had seemed just as excited as she was. Maybe that girl he was with showed up, and he'd changed his mind? 

Rey tried not to think about it. She knew she would only hurt her own feelings before she knew the truth. The longer the silence was, though, the more worried she got. She began to think that it wasn't that he was ignoring her, but that he couldn't reply. She called him a few more times in the early hours of the morning, but eventually it stopped ringing and went straight to voice mail. Had he turned his phone off to avoid her calls? 

She fell asleep on her couch, somewhere around 2 am, with her hand wrapped around her phone. 

It was her phone ringing around 8 am that woke her from a sleep that had been full of ominous nightmares. She looked to see if it was Ren, but was disappointed to find that it was Rose. She swiped it, answering the call and putting the phone to her ear. 

"Are you okay?" Rose asked, her voice dripping with concern.   
"Yeah, why?" Rey asked, confused.   
"You haven't seen the news?" Rose asked, carefully.  
"No, I've been asleep," She admitted. "Why?"   
"Ren was in a car accident last night," She said. "They didn't say much, but I wanted to see if you'd heard," 

Rey's throat constricted with panic.

♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry.   
> i won't judge you if you gave a huge groan and decided to quit this fic forever
> 
>  
> 
> title is from crowded houses 'don't dream its over' in continuation with the 80s music.


	14. Some and now none of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey tried not to roll her eyes. She wasn't allowed to be jealous. She had had her chance, after all. It was natural that he would try to move on.
> 
> Ren didn't push the point. He kept his respectful distance, though sometimes she found that they were holding hands, or so close to a kiss that it was almost painful. Something always stopped him, though.

♡

Coruscant, present day

 _Real estate mogul Leia Organa's son, Ben Solo, was involved in a serious car accident last night during the early hours of the evening. No fatalities, though all parties were transported to Coruscant's Metro Medical Center for injuries. Solo is said to be in a coma, but no further details have been released at this time. The family is asking for peace during this challenging time..._

Rey turned the TV off. Rose had curled up next to her on the squeaky 'leather' bench. She had made a pillow out of her blazer, and was snoozing away. Rey looked at the time, though it seemed to mean little to her. Finn had said he would come by as soon as he was able to, and he had made a promise to bring them food that wasn't from the hospital cafeteria. Even in such a high tech medical facility, the food was still awful. 

Rey hadn't been able to get much information from them. Ren was in the intensive care unit, but at that moment they weren't allowing any one back unless previously aforementioned. Rey thought that was probably set up by Ren's mother. She had pleaded, if she could just see her, but when the nurse called to the room she received no answer. Rey had tried his cell phone a few times, hoping that Leia might have turned it back on, but it went to voice mail every time. 

Rose had refused to leave her, even though Rey felt silly. She had only just come in contact with this man again, why should she even be there? She doubted that Leia would even recognize her, it had been so long. Still, Rose wouldn't go. Rey hadn't known what to tell her boss, and had been marginally thankful when it was Lima who had answered the phone. Lima promised her she would take care of it, and Rey would still have a job when she came back. She made her a promise that it wouldn't be more than a few days, but it seemed likely to be less. They wouldn't even let her see him. 

Rey was thankful when Finn showed up. He brought with him coffee, and bags full of food. He handed her off a coffee, which she took gratefully and sipped at slowly. 

"My wife can sleep anywhere," He said, leaning down to press a kiss to Rey's cheek. "How is he?"  
"I don't know," She said. "They won't let me see him and I can't get a hold of anyone. I feel stupid even being here..."  
"Let me see what I can do," 

Finn just happened to be a doctor. He didn't work in hospitals, but he was often in them, consulting with other doctors about patients he had admitted. Rey had never thought Finn would be the most successful of them all, but somewhere along the line he had become driven and less nacho obsessed. Sometimes Rey felt like she was losing the soft boy she'd known all her childhood, until she reminded herself that he wasn't lost, just different. He and Rose had gotten married after college, a small affair that had been held in Holdo's backyard with a bunch of newly fostered children running around them. It had been a nice day. It had seemed right, even if it had cemented Rey's status as a permanent third wheel. 

She watched him speak with the nurses, until another doctor came out and shook his hand. Finn pointed at Rey, and she was unsure of what to do, so she simply took a shaky cup of coffee. She watched as Finn finished the conversation and came back over, a stony look on his face. 

"What did he say?"  
"Ren is in a coma," He said. "His brain was without oxygen for a short period of time,"  
"What does that mean?"  
"It isn't good," Finn said. "They're hopeful he'll wake up,"  
"Can I see him?"  
"He said he would run it by Leia and let us know. She's guarding him like a hawk,"  
"Did he say what happened?"  
"They're not sure, looks like someone ran a red light and t-boned him into another car,"  
"Thanks Finn," 

Rey had been unable to cry. It felt stupid to cry. It wasn't going to change anything. She got up and left Finn sitting next to his wife. She just wanted to wash her face, she told him. She was glad to find the bathroom empty. It was painted a creepy shade of beige, and even though the hospital was newer, the restroom was already showing signs of decay. She stood in front of the mirror, looking at her stark white face, her eyes deep hollows within it. She felt like the girl she'd been when she'd been shuffled into Holdo's house, having been moved from a few foster homes already. 

Scared, alone, a vast desert of darkness stretching out in front of her. She had been so young. Holdo had leaned down and told her that she wouldn't have to move homes again. Holdo had been right. 

It was the first time Rey had cried in front of someone else. 

Rey's face crumbled, and before she knew it, the tears were flowing freely and fast. She tasted the salt on her lips, and felt her nose getting swollen with snot. She was sure she was a very pretty sight, but she didn't care. It felt good to cry, it felt necessary, like vomiting after eating something bad. 

Life wasn't fair. She never got to keep Kylo Ren for very long. 

When she was done, she doused her face in the coldest water she could manage, before ripping paper towels out of the auto dispenser with fury. She dried her face, and though she still looked like she was crying, at least she didn't look so leaky anymore. Anger had replaced the sadness. Anger at the whole stupid situation. Why hadn't she known? Why hadn't she appreciated her time with him a bit more? She kept trying to throw him away. Somehow, she felt like it was her fault...even though she knew it wasn't. 

She had to have someone to blame, though. 

She dialed his phone number again. Sniffling, she listened to his voice, hanging up after the beep. 

When she came back out, she found someone had joined their party. Leia had always been small, but she was grayer and more drawn than Rey remembered. Her face had lost some of it's girlishness, but even in this situation the calm rolled off of her in waves. Rey wanted to run up to her and sob, two fold, on her shoulder. She kept her control, though, and she walked up quickly. Leia turned as Finn pointed Rey out. 

"I'm not sure if you remember me," Rey said.  
"Of course I do," Leia said, taking her hands. "I'm a little surprised to see you here,"  
"Ren is my neighbor," She said. "He didn't tell you?"  
"He mentioned that he had connected with you again, but he didn't tell me that,"  
"I'm so sorry," Rey said, hoping the tone in her voice would convey it.  
"Yes, well," She said. "I'm sure he would be glad to know you're here. Come with me,"  
"We'll be here," Finn said, having replaced his wife's pillow with his own lap. 

In the elevator, silence reigned until Leia broke it. 

"His leg is broken," She said. "There was a lot of damage to his organs," She said.  
"Do they think he'll be okay?" Rey asked, hopefully.  
"We don't know," Leia said, honestly. "I just wanted to warn you. His appearance might be shocking," 

It was. She didn't know how it was possible for him to look small, anywhere, but he did. His face was battered, glass having cut him and bruised him. His leg was strung up in a cast, held up by a series of bars and wires. There were all manner of wires coming out of him, as well. Rey let out a gasp. Leia gave her a comforting pat. 

"I'm sure you'd like to go wash up," Rey said, swallowing heavily. "Get something to eat? I'll sit with him for awhile,"  
"That's very kind of you," Leia said. "I'll come back in an hour or so," 

Rey saw Ren's father stand up from his perch near the bed. 

"Han," Leia said. "You remember Rey?"  
"Vaguely," Han said, shaking her hand. "Nice to see you again," He looked tired. Sadness had etched itself into his features.  
"You too," Rey said. She hadn't met Han more than once or twice, and it had never been for very long. She had gotten the feeling that he was rarely, if ever, at home.  
"Let's go get something to eat," 

Rey stood awkwardly in the room, thinking he might open his eyes and address her with that look he often gave her; the one that was a mixture of amazement and humor. Finally, she got up her courage and moved to pull a chair up next to the bed. She took his hand, which felt cold, and held it in her two. She sniffled, looking over his battered face. 

"Ben," She said. "I'm going to be so angry with you if you die," 

She wasn't sure, but she could have sworn she felt the barest tightening of his hand around hers.

♡

Coruscant, some years earlier

Rey had to admit, it was nice to have a friend. 

Kylo Ren gave her rides to school. She noted when his old friends noticed, and she expected a full on onslaught of unpleasantness, but Ren's presence seemed to keep them at bay. Rey found that Poe was actually tolerable, and friendly, and he seemed genuine. Ren and Hux didn't speak any longer, and if they did it seemed taut and tense with unspoken words. Hux was hurting over something, and Ren had decided he was done giving him the time of day. 

They were in a lot of the same classes, and Rey had gotten into the fencing group. It had surprised him the first few times she'd disarmed him, until he seemed to realize he'd gotten lazy when he hadn't had anyone at his level. They were fairly evenly placed, though Ren teased her because it had taken him years to get to his level, and she had managed to do it in two years. It had felt natural to her from the first moment she'd picked up one of those stupid foils. 

He was not envious of her, though, even though she expected him to be. 

They went to Luke's diner together. They ate lunch together. They did homework together. Rey even went to his house a few times, though she never felt comfortable and always made up excuses to leave early before she got wrangled into dinner. 

Rey kept telling herself that they were just friends. Ren had seemingly accepted it, and he didn't appear to be bitter about it. She couldn't even tell if he had any jealousy when other guys started to show interest. She wasn't going anywhere, so she supposed she shouldn't have found it surprising. 

She tried not to let it bother her when he took other girls out, though sometimes her ribbing felt meaner than she intended. 

"Oh boy, another one?" Poe said, flinging a packet of sugar at Ren.  
"She asked me out,"  
"So say no," Poe said. "You're getting a reputation,"  
"What, of being too nice?"  
"No, people think you're a budding Casanova," Rey said, scribbling something on her pad. She was trying to pretend like she was more interested in her homework than this conversation.  
"What if she's the one, and I just said no?"  
"Is she the one?" Poe asked, rolling his eyes.  
"No," Ren said, and they both laughed a bit. 

Rey tried not to roll her eyes. She wasn't allowed to be jealous. She had had her chance, after all. It was natural that he would try to move on.

Ren didn't push the point. He kept his respectful distance, though sometimes she found that they were holding hands, or so close to a kiss that it was almost painful. Something always stopped him, though. 

"Hey kids," Luke said as he came up to the table. "Rey, I know you're supposed to be on a break, but I didn't think I provided hour long breaks,"  
"Oh, sorry," Rey said. She gathered up her books, unaware of the fact that Ren was looking after her, that same bereft look on his features. 

Poe reached over and gave him a couple of firm pats on his shoulder. 

Her junior year went by in a blink. Time seemed to be moving faster, the older she got. Rose had gotten another job at the video game store, which meant that she was home even less, and Finn was often out with his buddies causing trouble. It had been somewhat concerning, Finn's sudden turn in attitude, but something had happened between him and Rose that neither of them would talk about, no matter how much Rey prodded. 

It upset her, considering it completely upended the delicate balance of their friendship. She supposed, when one thing went well, another fell apart. It seemed to be the way of things when it came to her life. Not that it was really about her, but she couldn't help but feel the sting of the relationship changing because of unspoken things she didn't quite understand. 

It was then that the realization that they would soon be considered adults weighed heavy on her. Things would change. She wished she could slow down the roll of time, just a bit. She was forced to take snapshots, hoping that her memories would stay true as the years beat on.

♡

Coruscant, present day

She woke up suddenly, the taste of Luke's diner food in her mouth. She had been dreaming so intensely, it felt as if she had been back there again, doling out pancakes and endless cups of coffee. She didn't know when she had fallen asleep, but her hand was still around Ren's, and when she looked back, she found his mother had curled up on a cot and gone to sleep. Someone had put a blanket around Rey's shoulders. 

Ren hadn't moved. He looked dour, and she grasped onto his hands, wishing she could keep him from going wherever he was trying to go. 

_Don't leave, don't leave, don't leave._

_Don't leave before I've really gotten to know you. Please._

The machine only beeped on endlessly into the dark hospital.

♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> double update!! it's why ya love me  
> not because i make you suffer 
> 
> title is from 'the night we met' by lord huron 
> 
> it's a sad song. listen to it while you read this and cry. 
> 
> <3


	15. Sweetest dove in a dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're off key," He muttered, playfully.   
> "Ren?" She gasped out, turning to look at him. "Ren!" 
> 
> He felt her small, warm hands around his.

♡

Coruscant, present day

Ben didn't dream. 

There were flashes of light, and a vague outline of voices he couldn't quite grasp onto, but the air of the world felt stale and empty all around him. If he had been cognizant enough, he might have wished for dreams, just to spice things up a bit. There was only the memory of pain, and then his sleeping brain, having shut down in an attempt to heal itself. 

There was the sense that he had something to do. The sense that he wanted to wake up, but couldn't. The corners of his mind were shadowy and full of monsters, and he shied away from them as often as possible. When he did began to dream, it wasn't necessarily dreams that came, but more memories of times passed. If he could have reached out with a hand in an attempt to hold onto them for just a moment longer, he might have. 

He began to hear a particular voice. She was talking to him, though about what he couldn't at first ascertain. He wanted to talk back, and tell her he was still somewhere in there, but when he tried he was met with only stubborn blackness. He tried to tell his body to move, but the reaction he wanted was not the reaction he got. At best, it was a small twitch of his hand in hers. 

One day, she wasn't there. The voices he heard were distinct, but not hers.

♡

Coruscant, some years ago

The summer passed, at times quickly, and at times slowly. He didn't see as much of Rey as he would have liked, but he had noticed a slow chill returning between the two of them. He felt helpless and hopeless, but he didn't know what he could do to bridge the gap. He went out with other girls, but he never felt much of anything for any of them, except for a distinct desire to remain friends. Poe told him he was stupid for going out with other girls, and to ask Rey again, but he was so resolutely sure that it wasn't what she wanted that he stopped himself every time. 

Senior year crept up like a bad smell, and then suddenly, the first day of school was upon them all. 

Rey ignored him for most of the day. They were only in one class together, and when Rey came in that morning she saw Ren talking to Janey Bindo and she quickly looked down so as to miss his wave to her. He frowned a bit, dropping his hand back down to the desk, his face a mask of confusion. Janey asked him what was wrong, and the conversation continued on. 

It felt like it had in Sophomore year. He wondered how they had taken so many steps back when it seemed as if they were finally making steps forward. 

A few weeks in, Ren finally got mad enough to ask her about it. Of course, she wouldn't talk to him about it. When he did ask, she insisted that nothing was wrong. 

That afternoon, they had fencing practice. They stood all in a line, helmets to the side, and were paired off, one/two. Ren ended up with Rey. That seemed to be his luck, or maybe his misfortune. He had to admit to himself that he was angry with her, and he didn't understand. Why couldn't he understand? 

"Alright," Mrs Shan said, in her clipped English accent. "Run through a few bouts together," 

It became clear pretty early on that Rey was not playing around. She was forceful to the point of being out of rules, lunging and feinting to the point of nearly knocking Ren on his butt. 

"Rey," Mrs Shan warned. "Enough," 

But it wasn't enough, not for Rey, and she moved into a fleche, running quickly at him and using the full brunt of her weight to knock him to the ground. 

"Miss Brown, I know you are teasing me," Shan said, her hands on her hips. When Rey knocked him down and crawled onto his waist, causing him to lift his hands in defense, she spoke again. "Now I know you must be," 

Before long, the rest of the class had pulled Rey off of him, as he had only been able to dodge her fists enough to keep himself from getting bruised, though he was sure he would have a few on his forearms. She had been angry, but she hadn't been angry enough to really hurt him. She was sent to the principles' office, though he only gave her a swat on the wrist. She wasn't normally one to cause trouble, and Ren didn't want to push the issue.

He waited for her outside of the locker room. When she came out, she took one glance at him and tried to shove past him without looking at him. 

"Rey, what's wrong with you?" He asked. No answer. He came to stand in front of her, blocking her path with his overlarge frame. "What's wrong?" 

She clipped him, causing him to turn around and follow her. 

"Leave me alone," She spat, though when he grabbed her elbow she was forced to stop and look at him.   
"Tell me what's wrong!"   
"Nothing is wrong, nothing!" She shouted. They were drawing attention now. "Ask Janey Bindo, or what about Mertha Fleck? Or maybe you'd like to call someone else? Force, who knows, you have a whole rotation!" She shouted. He was forced to let her go as she yanked her arm away from him, and forced to watch her storm out of the gym. 

"What's wrong with her?" Ren asked, exasperated. Poe had come to stand next to him, helmet in hand, curls a mess on his head.  
"Uh....maybe she's jealous?" Poe asked, looking at his friend as if he'd sprouted another head.

♡

Rey didn't talk to him for about a month. He tried. Sometimes he would text her, but usually he would get no response. His art during this period (a fixation with dark, heavy charcoal) fully represented the confused storm that was going on in his late stage, teenage brain. His art teacher was fond of it, but even she set him aside and asked him what was bothering him. He had told her it was nothing, and the very next assignment he had submitted a piece made with colorful paint, just to get her off of his trail.

He stopped talking to Janey, and Mertha, excepting when he was polite and said hello. The next time someone asked him out, he politely declined. He was angry about it, not because he actually wanted to date these girls, but because Rey Brown had no claim on him. Hadn't he offered himself up a few times? Hadn't she sneered at him? What right did she have to be angry about him dating other girls? 

It was with more of their foul luck that they got paired up for a science assignment about mid way through the year. He followed her out after class. 

"You're going to have to talk to me," He said, watching as she angrily tried to open her locker.   
"Who says?"   
"Rey, come on. Aren't you done with this?" He asked, standing aside so she wouldn't whap him with her locker door.   
"What?" She said, as innocently as she could muster.   
"Listen, this isn't fair. You won't even tell me why you're pissed. What can I do if you won't tell me?"   
"I'm not pissed. When is a good time to come over for this assignment? The sooner, the better,"   
"Fine," Ren said. "This weekend. My parents are away, unless you prefer that I come to your place,"   
"That's fine," Rey said, flatly. 

And so the deal was struck. Ren had to admit he was a little bit thrilled at the idea of seeing her alone again. That was, if she didn't try to kill him. 

She showed up right on time, a glower on her face, her arms crossed defensively at her chest. He opened the door for her, and she quickly made her way to the kitchen table, pulling out the text book and the materials she had agreed on bringing for the project. Ren grabbed his own belongings, and they spread out at the table together. At first, they talked about what they were going to do for the assignment, and they began working on the experiment, taking notes as they went along. 

The day grew late and Ren got up to order some pizza. 

"What do you like on your pizza?" He asked.   
"Uh, anything but pineapple and anchovies," She replied, scribbling something down in her notes. 

Ren ordered the pizza from the nearest joint, and was surprised when it showed up a half hour later. He set it down at the table, and they took a few moments clearing away anything that might be ruined by pizza grease. They ate in silence, barely able to look at one another. Ren thought he could probably cut the tension with a knife, and had the distinct feeling he couldn't breathe. 

He didn't want to push her anymore, she only clammed up further when he did, so he was surprised when she started talking to him. 

"I'm sorry I attacked you," She muttered.   
"It's okay," He replied. "Why did you attack me?"   
"I'm not sure," She said, seeming to mull over the fact that she couldn't pin down her emotions.   
"You're jealous," He said, and she looked up at him abruptly. Anger, and then something else crossed over her stormy features. "Just say it. You're jealous,"   
"Fine! I'm jealous," She slumped down in her chair.   
"But you said...you said you didn't want to see me like that anymore,"   
"I lied!" She said. "I lied, okay?"   
"Oh," He responded. He wiped his hands off on a napkin and stood up, moving nearer to her. "What are you doing?" She asked, defensively.   
"Just stay still for a minute," Ren said. 

He leaned down, and she looked up at him, her features a mixture of confusion and want. Yes, he was sure there was want, there. He felt a bit exhilarated. 

"Can I kiss you?" He asked. She nodded. 

It was a soft, curious thing. It was over too quickly, when she pulled back suddenly. Her face was hot pink, though she didn't look angry. Alarmed, maybe. 

"I told Holdo I would be home before seven," She said, pointing to the clock. "I'll see you on Monday,"

♡

Coruscant, present day

Ren's dreams came back to him, and the first one that counted was this memory of kissing her for the first time. He remembered how she had looked when she had told him she had to go home, and how she had lingered in his doorstep until he had kissed her again. They were both so terrified, and so afraid to ask for what they wanted. But, Ren remembered, and it was in the remembering that he slowly came back to himself. 

When he opened his eyes, he opened them to a room that was immediately too bright. It was the voice he remembered, humming along to a song he recalled. It took a moment for his body to obey him, his eyes flickering, threatening to plunge him back into darkness. He realized it was Rey, who was arranging flowers on one of the nearby windows. 

"You're off key," He muttered, playfully.   
"Ren?" She gasped out, turning to look at him. "Ren!" 

He felt her small, warm hands around his.

♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> use your words, REY! 
> 
> title is from 'The Trip' by still corners. 
> 
> (triple update, since i had a three day weekend.)


	16. Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are you okay?" She asked, her voice a whisper in the dark.  
> "Bit sore," He said, shifting as she helped him completely out of his jeans. Rey saw where the cast had been, and the surgery scars that had been left behind when the doctors were trying to piece him back together.  
> "We shouldn't have done that," She said, carefully sliding the jeans down and off of him.  
> "It was worth it," He said, biting down on his bottom lip a bit as he shifted in the bed.

♡

Coruscant, present day (a few months later)

"Why don't you go see him?" Rose asked. 

They were sitting in her living room, drinking coffee and bitching about daily life. 

"I got the feeling that his parents wanted to get him home for a reason," Rey said, toying with the edge of a pillow on the couch.  
"Yeah, they wanted to help him rehab," She said. "They didn't expressly forbid you from seeing him, did they?"  
"No," Rey pouted.  
"Has he called?"  
"Yeah, he calls,"  
"Well, what are you waiting for?"  
"I don't know, Rose,"  
"Listen, Rey, you're my friend but I'm going to be harsh for a second. You're being stupid. He almost died. You obviously have feelings for him. Go see him! I'll even pay for the bus tickets, but enough sitting around here moping. It's been months," 

Ren's parents had checked him out of the hospital at the earliest opportunity. Rey had been with him as often as she could be, but she had had to get back to work. One afternoon, she came to the hospital to find them clearing out his room. Ren's phone had been broken in the accident, but when he'd gotten back home he had called her from his new one. He said he was sorry for the scare, but his mother had been insistent on him coming home. Ren wasn't exactly out of the woods. He was awake, but he had a lot of healing to do, and it would require a full time nurse and a full time physical therapist. 

He called almost every night, and they would lay awake talking until one of them inevitably fell asleep. Sometimes, they talked about nothing in particular, but often they were just trying to get to know one another. For Rey, it felt safe. He was at an arms distance, and she was able to get to know him without getting too close to him. It was when the movers came to clear out his apartment that she realized she missed him. She missed him so much that it had become a dull ache, and she realized he wouldn't be moving back into his apartment. He was slipping away, and she was letting it happen. 

And Rose, sweet Rose, was tired of hearing about it. 

"Well?" Rose said.  
"Now?" Rey asked.  
"Yep, now! Go on, I'm sick of looking at you," Rose thumbed some cash out of her wallet, handing it to Rey. "Now you have no excuse," 

Rey found herself being pushed out of Rose's house, barely having time to grab her purse before Rose slammed the door on her. She leaned out the window as Rey hesitated. 

"Go!" She shouted, causing Rey to jump a bit.  
"I'll pay you back," She said lamely, but Rose had already pulled her head back inside. 

Rey got on her bike and went to the bus station. She was genuinely afraid of what would happen if she didn't. 

Leia had sent her an email after they got home, giving her contact information. She had provided her with their new address, which was upstate a few hours. Rey hadn't stopped to pack a bag, which might have been smart, considering it would be sometime in the late afternoon/evening. It was beautiful and lush upstate. Rey hadn't seen so many trees bunched together in awhile. It was getting colder, and Rey was glad she was wearing tights and a heavy leather jacket along with one of her flowery navy dresses. 

She supposed she should have let Ren know she was coming, but her thought was to surprise him. She hoped they would be home, but Ren had been fairly home bound for the last few months. She had a car take her to the house, which was set way back on the property, meaning she had to hike through the forest a ways before she could see the house. It was beautiful, breathtaking, even, but her eyes were drawn to the tall, denim clad man that was hopping around on crutches, making his way through the terrain. 

He paused when he saw her, and she smiled in a lopsided fashion when she saw the look of surprise on his face. She quickly closed the distance between them, to prevent him from trying to do so himself, since she had full use of both of her legs. 

"What are you doing out here?" Rey asked. He looked really good. His face had healed up, his hair was cut, and he was moving as if he wasn't in any pain.  
"Cooped up," He said. "What are you doing out here?" He asked.  
"I came to see you," She smiled. "I wanted to surprise you,"  
"I'm surprised,"  
"Bad surprise?" She asked, suddenly questioning following Rose's advice. "If it's a bad time.."  
"No, it isn't. I've been wondering if you would show up,"  
"I'm sorry it took me so long," She said. And suddenly, she was. What had taken her so long?

♡

She helped him inside, and he gave her the best tour he could manage on crutches. It was a beautiful house, full of cabin style decor. There were fireplaces, a huge, ornate staircase, and rooms that housed beds with flannel sheets.

She helped him into his room, where he settled into the bed. 

"You look really good," She admitted. "Much better than the last time I saw you,"  
"Thanks," He said. "You look really beautiful," He said, and she smirked.  
"I would offer you something to drink, but once I'm here it's a project to get back up again,"  
"Oh, I'll do it," She said. "Where are your parents?"  
"I scared them off for the weekend," He said. "They were driving me crazy. Are you going to stay?"  
"I didn't bring anything,"  
"We've got everything, really," He said. "Stay. Please,"  
"Okay," She said. "I'll go make something. What do you want?"  
"Tea," He said. "Mom hides all of the coffee,"  
"Why?"  
"Blood pressure," He muttered.  
"I'll be right back," 

It took her a minute. She had to find everything, but once she was done, she had two mugs of tea, both of which were without caffeine. She didn't know how she would deal with no coffee, but maybe she could trek into town in the morning and get some. She set hers down on his side table before handing his to him. He took a sip, but it was clear he didn't like tea very much. 

"No good?" Rey asked, watching his reaction.  
"I'm sure it's fine to someone who likes tea," He said, smiling.  
"Sorry, I'd break the rules but your mom is a little scary,"  
"Is she?" He laughed.  
"I'd be afraid to see how she reacts to me breaking the rules," 

Rey sat next to him on his bed. He took her hand, holding it firmly within his own. Rey expected to feel that familiar panic, like she should bolt, but she didn't. She enjoyed the way their hands looked, twined together. 

"Why didn't you come sooner?" He asked, his deep voice softening.  
"I'm sorry," She said, looking down at their hands. "It started out with not wanting to be a pest, and then it turned into anxiety that you wouldn't want to see me after so much time had passed. It was Rose who told me to shut up and do it,"  
"Rey, you're not a pest," He said. "And I always want to see you,"  
"When your mom didn't even tell me they'd taken you home until afterwards, I thought maybe she wanted to get you out of there for other reasons,"  
"Like what? My mom likes you, Rey. She always has. She's under the impression that you don't like her,"  
"Why?!" Rey asked, surprised.  
"You never wanted to stay for dinner, you barely said more than three words to her at a time,"  
"Oh," Rey said. "I suppose she has a point,"  
"When are you going to figure it out?" He asked.  
"Figure what out?" She replied, looking up to him.  
"That I love you, Rey Brown," 

She sucked in a breath of air. She was shocked, and surprised, and all of those other things that came with an unexpected declaration of love. If it had come at any other time before then, she might have run screaming into the night. His hands were held tightly around hers, as if he was fearful she might. 

"You don't have to say anything back," He said, panicked at her silence. "It doesn't mean you have to feel the same--" 

She shut him up by kissing him. His words died in his throat, a pleased noise of surprise escaping him. His fingertips grabbed the lapels of her jacket, pulling her up and onto him. It was a bit awkward, considering she was mindful of his leg and fearful she would hurt him. He pulled back a bit, looking at her. 

"What are you doing?"  
"I don't want to hurt you,"  
"You won't hurt me. No sudden movements," He said, the grin on his features surpassing any smile he'd given her so far. 

She was overwhelmed by the moment, but instead of crumpling underneath the weight, she threw herself headlong into it. She kissed him back, allowing him to tug her firmly into his lap. He didn't even grunt when she settled down, though she was careful of her movements. His hands were in her hair, at her neck, and she felt him tug at the arm of her jacket, having pushed it back away from her shoulder. She shrugged out of it, and it slid away, falling to the floor over the side of the bed. Her fingertips undid the buttons on his jean jacket, and he sat up and pulled it off of himself, tossing it atop her own. Her fingertips danced along his stomach, pushing his shirt up in the process. He still had bruising from the accident, but it looked well on it's way to disappearing. She helped him pull the shirt off. 

He was more sure of himself, this time around. His hands were deft when it came to removing her clothes. He untied the ties on her dress, finding the zipper and sliding it down, though he couldn't physically make all of the movements needed to get it off of her. He leaned back, his eyes still closed and his tongue sliding out over his lips. 

"Help me out, here," He teased. She suddenly felt shy. 

She carefully slid away from him, allowing the dress to drop around her ankles. That left her in her underwear and her tights - and her boots. He watched her intently, as if he couldn't believe that he had gotten another chance to see her naked again. She kicked her shoes off and quickly slid out of the tights, her arms wrapped around herself in a bit of a self conscious way. 

"What?" He asked, patting the bed.  
"Isn't this going to increase your blood pressure?"  
"Maybe," He said.  
"What if you die?"  
"Then I'll die happy. Come here,"  
She hesitated.  
"Why? You don't want to?"  
"No, I really, really do," She paused. "I didn't bring anything,"  
"Oh," He said. "That's okay, there are some in the bathroom,"  
"What would your parents say?" She asked, playfully.  
"Congratulations," He replied, laughing. "Hurry up," 

When she joined him on the bed, it was a pleasant scramble of limbs and mouths. He was much more serious, divesting her of her bra quickly and efficiently. The cold air and the activity caused her nipples to harden, and his hands being everywhere certainly didn't help the reaction her body gave. 

There was the problem of his leg, and his jeans, which was (mostly) solved by unbuttoning them and pulling them down, just enough. She could tell Ren wanted to do more, so much more, and was frustrated by his limitation. She was completely sure that they were making a stupid mistake and they would probably end up hurting him, but her thoughts were muggy like a hot summer's day. 

A wrapper later, he pulled her back into his lap. His fingertips quickly pulled the band of her underwear aside, unwilling to let her go again to get rid of them totally. He was inside of her, then, a slow movement that caused them both to grit teeth and hold back moans, though they were the only two in the house. Rey watched his features, her bottom lip in her teeth. She was looking for any sign of pain, because this was mostly up to her. Ren was like a rubberband, waiting to snap, he obviously wanted to throw her down, but this would have to do for the moment. 

He kissed her, and they both found a rhythm. It was slow, almost tortuously so, her hips rolling down to meet his. It was a good moment to find out what he liked, and she got pleasure out of drawing a reaction out of him. She came first, her mouth breaking from his, her voice caught deep in her throat as she released a slight squeak. She couldn't breathe, it was almost painful, and it washed over her in a shudder that left her tingling with a pleasant warmth. He was not far after, fighting the urge to let his motions turn rough, though she would have let him.

♡

"Are you okay?" She asked, her voice a whisper in the dark.  
"Bit sore," He said, shifting as she helped him completely out of his jeans. Rey saw where the cast had been, and the surgery scars that had been left behind when the doctors were trying to piece him back together.  
"We shouldn't have done that," She said, carefully sliding the jeans down and off of him.  
"It was worth it," He said, biting down on his bottom lip a bit as he shifted in the bed.

She looked up to him, rolling her eyes. Leaving him clad in his black boxer-briefs wasn't an entirely bad idea, though. Even with the remnants of the accident, she was fairly sure he was the best looking guy she'd ever seen. She crawled back on top of the bed, laying down beside him. She had wrapped herself up in one of his over-sized robes. She rested her head on his arm, her fingertips tracing along one of the scars. 

"Ben," She said, realizing it had been a long time since she had called him that.  
"Mm?" He murmured, sleepily.  
"I love you, too,"  
"Is that so?" She could hear the smile in his voice.  
"You get the girl to say it and then you tease her?"  
"I'm sorry," His laugh was husky and quiet.  
"Ren,"  
"What?"  
"I'm glad you broke your leg,"  
"Why?"  
"Because now you can't run away," 

He chuckled, pulling her close and pressing a kiss to her lips.

"I wouldn't, anyway. Not this time,"

♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm literally trying to shove all these chapters up before my net gets shut off  
> i know some of you are probably screaming 'FINALLY' cause i kinda did  
> practice safe sex kids...don't do it with a broken leg  
> this isn't the last chapter  
> (ps i had to make this scene a bit awkward and funny because it's these two and this fic, pls forgive)  
> this chapter was brought to you by adam driver in denim:
> 
>  


	17. Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh," Leia said. "Rey, what a surprise," A look passed between her and Han. "Will you be staying for dinner, then?" 
> 
> An awkward beat passed before they were all laughing.

☆

Coruscant, present day

Ren woke up alone. 

It was disappointing, considering the room smelled like her, and there was an indent in the pillow where she'd once been. She'd gotten dressed, and left his robe behind on the bed. 

He tried calling her name out, but he was met with no reply. He hefted himself out of bed. He'd gotten used to trying to do things on his own, but his body was stiff and sore from the previous nights activity. He checked his phone, wondering if she had texted him, but he found that the message was from his mother. She was asking if she should come home. Kylo sent her a quick message in reply: 

**I'm fine. Try to enjoy your days off.**

Ren got up, grabbing his crutches and doing his best to hop out into the kitchen, still clad in his underwear and smelling of sleep. He was further disappointed to find the kitchen empty, and dark. It had gotten cold, too, and he wished (briefly) that he had grabbed his robe. 

He wondered if he should try to call. He shouldn't have been surprised, maybe she had changed her mind...and he knew he definitely deserved it. He couldn't imagine that she had come all this way to sleep with him and leave him the next morning. 

His thoughts were on graduation night as he began digging through the boxes of tea, trying to see if his mother had missed one. Maybe there would be one that was caffeinated. Angrily, he knocked them out of the cabinet as he dug through them.

☆

Coruscant, some years earlier

Rey didn't kiss him again, not through the part of the year that was left, anyway. It came up on them both quickly, the reality that they were both going to graduate. Ren had gotten into Coruscant University, and Rey had gotten a scholarship for a small, private college out of state that was highly competitive to get into. She didn't seem like she wanted to go. 

Ren tried to ask her about it, but she wouldn't open up about it. Eventually, he stopped trying to push the subject. 

The day had started out like every other day, even though they were graduating the next day. Ren had gone to school and finished up whatever bits and pieces of the few classes he had left. Rey hadn't gone to school, which was highly unusual for her, even if there was nothing to do. He called her a couple times, but there was no answer. He left her a message, asking her to call him when she could. He tried not to let the edge of worry creep into his voice. 

Finally, he decided to go to her house. 

He knocked on the door, and saw her face peek out into the sunlight. She swung the door back and allowed him entrance, but the house was eerily quiet. 

"What are you doing here?" She asked, as soon as they were in her room.   
"I was worried when you didn't come to school," He said, taking a seat where she motioned. "Where is everyone?"   
"Oh, they got on a trip around this time, they decided to take off early this year,"   
"What about Finn and Rose? Don't they graduate?"   
"They have already," Rey said sadly.   
"Is that why you didn't go?"   
"Yeah, partly," She said.   
"So that means they won't be there, tomorrow?"   
"It's not a big deal," She admitted, though Ren could tell she was upset about it.   
"You can borrow my family," He said, trying to get her to smile. 

They sat in silence for what seemed like a long time. Something was bothering her, but she was so clammed up he was sure she would throw him out if he tried to get it out of her. He wanted to help, but most of the time she wouldn't let him. It was surprising when she kissed him. Even more surprising when she asked him if he wanted to sleep with her. 

If Ren had had it to do over again, he would have, but his body overrode his brain. It was awkward, though tender. They were both each other's firsts, and Ren could almost convince himself that she cared for him the same way he cared for her, until she spoke again. 

"I'll be glad when you go off to college," She said. "I think that will be easier," Her voice was so matter-of-fact it felt like he'd been slapped. It certainly stung like a slap.

Ren had the feeling that Rey had just used him for something, though for what, he couldn't quite pin down. When she fell asleep, her back to him, he got up, got dressed, and crept out. 

It seemed better for both of them, though his bruised and confused feelings most certainly contributed to the decision. 

He never called her again. 

She didn't call him again, either.

☆

Coruscant, present day

Thinking back, Ren realized that she had used him, in some small way. Maybe she had been bandaging hurts, but they had never really talked about it. It was easy to see that his leaving had hurt her, more than he had anticipated. He knew that if they hadn't slept together, she would have been hurt about that, too. Ren had been a dumb high school kid in a no-win situation. It was no-win for both of them. 

Ren wished that it had gone differently, however. 

And now, it seemed, she was gone permanently. 

When he heard the door rattling, he thought it was probably his mother who had decided to come home despite him pleading that they leave him alone for a few days. They were rightfully worried about him, but now that he was on the mend, he had wanted to be by himself to test his out how well he'd healed on his own for awhile. He wished he had put some clothes on, and when he turned he was surprised to find her standing there. 

She was pink with the cold, and her hair had been tucked underneath a skull cap that she had borrowed from him. He smirked a bit. She had two cups of coffee in hand, and a bag full of something that smelled like pastries. He was incredibly relieved to see her. 

"It's freezing in here," She said, setting the coffee down on the kitchen island. "And you are practically naked,"   
"I thought you left," He admitted, hanging over his crutches and remaining still for a moment.   
"I did, but only to get coffee. Don't tell your mother,"   
"I won't," He laughed. 

He hopped over to her, and kissed her mouth. He felt her cold fingertips sliding along his abdomen. When he pulled back, her face was squished up in a way that reminded him of a rabbit. 

"You should brush your teeth," She teased, and they both laughed.   
"Fine," He said, taking his cup of coffee and disappearing back into the bedroom. 

When he came out again, he'd dressed in a heavy knit sweater and a pair of black jeans. He was surprised to find that she had figured out how to start a fire, only surprising in that he could never get those self starting logs to work. She sat in front of the blaze, her legs crossed in front of her and her coffee cup set at her side. He watched her for a few moments, before she took notice of him and caught him staring. 

"What?" She asked, a bit of pastry stuck to the corner of her lip.   
"You managed to start a fire,"  
"Is it supposed to be hard?" She asked, a bit of sarcasm sinking into her tone.  
"It is for me," He replied, moving to sit on the couch. He couldn't quite sit on the floor yet. 

He watched as she got up and sat next to him on the couch, setting the bag of pastries down in front of him. 

"Where's your coffee?"   
"I finished it," He slid his arm around her waist and leaned in, licking the sugar away from her mouth. She kissed him.  
"You were desperate," Her fingertips toyed with the front of his sweater. "I guess you won't be moving back in,"   
"No," He said. "Not if my mother has anything to do with it,"   
"So you're going to stay in their house?"   
"It's my house," He admitted.   
"Really?"   
"Yeah. It was bought for me before I had enough of a brain to refuse it, but it's mine now," He wondered how she would take the information. He had always thought she hated him for being from a rich family.   
"Just as I got used to living next to you," She sounded disappointed.  
"You're welcome to visit as often as you want. I can meet you in the middle,"   
"You shouldn't be allowed to drive," She teased.   
"It was not my fault," He replied, laughing quietly.   
"What about your gallery opening?" She asked, suddenly concerned.   
"Postponed for now," He admitted. "But it will happen once I'm well enough to get back to work. It will be easier to work from here. I have an actual studio,"   
"You have enough room for a couch AND a bed," She teased.   
"Mhm," 

Ren was distracted from the conversation as she got closer, his eyes on her mouth. Once the floodgates were open, it was easy to pick up on a simple intimacy with her. It was equally thrilling when she let him, leaning into him carefully and returning the soft, simple kiss. His tongue parted her pliant lips, finding she tasted pleasantly of hazelnut coffee and whatever chocolate pastry she'd been enjoying before. 

He was so distracted from the kiss that he didn't hear the door opening, and it was Rey who pulled back from him, a bright flush dusting her cheeks. He looked up to find his parents standing in the doorway, bags in hand. 

"Oh," Leia said. "Rey, what a surprise," A look passed between her and Han. "Will you be staying for dinner, then?" 

An awkward beat passed before they were all laughing.

☆

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't get suuuper detailed with the MOMENT cause it just didn't seem right to do that
> 
> i think this has like one more chapter left
> 
> another smut circle one y/n


	18. Melt with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I was expecting jewelry," She joked, picking the key up and examining it. Newly made.   
> "Sorry to disappoint," He purred out. "I want you to move in with me," He said. "You don't have to say anything now, just think about it,"

♡♡♡

Coruscant, present day (some time later)

Eventually, Rey had had to go home. She had to get back to work, and Ren was right, the house became a bit stifled with his parents' presence. She didn't know what it was like to have parents, but she supposed that having them constantly around was a good indication. She had promised to call him, and he had promised to call her, but Rey felt strangely suspended in a bunch of 'what-ifs'. Had they figured each other out? Would it continue on as a relationship? 

She wasn't sure. 

She knew that things were changing for her. She had finished her degree, and this graduation was a good deal more pleasant than the last. Rose and Finn had taken her out to dinner and plied her with champagne. Ren and Rey talked often, though she didn't get up to his place as much as she had hoped to. She was busy, trying to finish school, and Ren had still been a bit immobile. 

When she got home, she was a bit buzzed, but not completely drunk. She saw Ren standing in the hallway. 

Immediately, her mind went to a dangerous place. He looked, well, _yummy._ He was dressed in a black suit, paired with a black tie and a black shirt. His shoes were so shined that they seemed to reflect, like a mirror. 

"Are you lost?" She asked, playfully. "You look lost,"   
"I thought if I couldn't make it to your graduation, I could at least make it to the after party. I wondered if you were going to be home at all,"   
"Why didn't you text?"   
"I wanted it to be a surprise," 

He handed her a bouquet of beautiful flowers, chrysanthemums paired up with bunched little flowers that were so purple they were almost blue. He had brought his own bottle of champagne, and Rey smirked when she lifted it up to look at it. It had to have been expensive. 

"I see that working for your mother is more lucrative than teaching a college course," She teased as she unlocked the door, feeling him follow her in closely. "How is work?" She set the flowers up in a vase.  
"It isn't bad," He said, seeming surprised at the fact.   
"Has she asked you to take it over, yet?" Rey asked, popping the cork on the champagne.   
"Yes, a few times,"   
"Will you?" Rey asked. She wondered if it felt, for him, like he was giving up on his dream.   
"I don't know yet," 

She poured the bubbly champagne out into paper cups, watching him laugh a bit at her dishware before he took it from her and took a sip. She took a sip of her own, grabbing his hand and dragging him over to her couch. They sat, and she watched him dig through his pockets. He pulled out a small envelope. She opened it, finding a happy graduation card inside and a ticket to his gallery opening. She smiled and looked up at him. 

"You finished?" She eyed the ticket, grinning happily. "Congratulations,"   
"Something else," He murmured, finding a small box in the other side of his jacket. Rey's heart thumped down into her guts. It looked like a ring box, and she wasn't sure how she felt about that. "Open it," 

Rey still wore the little sun necklace he had gotten her, but she wasn't big on jewelry. Maybe he had gotten her a pair of matching earrings? 

She opened it, surprised to find that it was a house key. Her puzzlement must have showed on her features, as she heard Ren's deep laugh erupt from his chest like velvet. 

"I was expecting jewelry," She joked, picking the key up and examining it. Newly made.   
"Sorry to disappoint," He purred out. "I want you to move in with me," He said. "You don't have to say anything now, just think about it,"   
"What about work? I can't accept this," She said, amazed that he would even offer.  
"You wouldn't have to work, if you didn't want to. I know you're probably going to try and go to grad school, right?"   
"Yeah, but..."  
"Wouldn't it be nice not to have to worry about keeping this place up?"   
"Ren, it's too much," She repeated, trying to hand the key back to him. "What if I go to grad school out of state?"

 

He took her hand and placed the key in the palm of it, closing his fist over hers. Ren had gotten more vocal about what he wanted, and it had become less easy to get him to back down when it came to her. He'd made it clear that he wanted to be with her, and he was a constant presence in her life, even when she faltered. 

"It isn't. You'd be doing me a favor," He said. "That place is pretty quiet now that my parents have moved back home," He paused. "And if you go to grad school out of state, I'm going with you,"  
"Always spinning it like I'm doing you the favor," She smiled, unable to help herself. "I'm stuck with you, huh? I don't want to be taken care of," She said. "I want to be your partner,"   
"Isn't part of that allowing yourself to be supported? Once you get through grad school, you can get a high paying job and I can resent you then," He joked, looking pleased with himself. 

She laughed, and he kissed her. 

He smelled good. A light, clean scent that she was sure was expensive cologne, underpinned by soap and _him_. His hair had grown out a bit, and was curling over the collar of his black shirt, and she toyed with the ends of it before her fingers slid into the dark mass of it. He kissed her slowly, exploring the depths of her mouth with an achingly slow motion, as if he was fearful it would be over too soon. They were briefly disrupted when his phone started ringing. She took the opportunity to sift through his pockets, finding the thing, shutting it off completely and setting it face down on her coffee table.

"I hope there aren't any emergencies," He murmured, nuzzling her nose before he kissed her again.   
"Mm, why are you all dressed up?" She asked, tugging the knot loose on his tie, helping him lift it over his head.   
"Work," He muttered, using his brute strength to lift her up. She was forced to wrap her legs around him, and lost her high heels in the process. She gave a small squeak of surprise. "And to impress you, of course,"   
"It was impressive, for as long as it lasted," 

She was happy that he was well enough to walk on two legs, and that he was strong enough to even lift her up. Every time she saw him she wondered why she ever left him. His movements knocked something off of the table, though both of them were far too caught up in each other to even look back. Rey did give a bit of laughter, though. 

By the time she felt him press her back against her bed, she had worked his jacket off of him, leaving it where it fell somewhere along the way. He bunched the dress she wore up at her thighs, his warm hands nearly encompassing her thighs before he lifted it up and threw it aside. 

He gave a noise that indicated that he was pleased when he leaned back and got a good look at her underwear. They had been something Rose had convinced her into that she'd never worn, up until then. The bra was a lacy black affair that offered next to no support, and the underwear was a strip of the same material in much the same vein. 

"Hoping to get lucky?" He asked, leaning down to press a blistering kiss to her taut stomach.   
"Wait a minute," She muttered, pressing her lips together as he made to remove the lacy underwear. "You first," She was feeling playful. 

She reached out and undid the buttons on his shirt, resisting the urge to just yank it off of him. Leaning up, she pressed kisses along his exposed collarbone, shoving the shirt off while he pulled his arms behind him to remove it completely. She undid his belt slowly, watching as he caught her hands to hurry the movement along. She didn't, wanting to draw it out a bit. Her fingertips slid along the outline of his erection that was obvious through the fabric, enjoying how his breath quickened. 

He didn't let her tease him for much longer, instead pushing her back to the bed and grabbing her hips, pulling her forward in a way that caused her to give out a noise of surprise. He looked almost feral, his eyes nearly black as he spread her legs, dragging his teeth along her inner thigh. It wouldn't be something she would easily forget. 

She gave out a breathy puff of air, her back arching as he pressed his mouth against the place between her thighs, applying just enough pressure before he pulled back. Rey lost track of her thoughts, feeling him peel the underwear off of her. His mouth encompassed the aching place between her thighs, tongue flicking and sliding in such an expert way that before long, she was saying his name in pleading tones. He drew her right up to the edge before pulling back, even with the resistance of her fingertips in his dark hair. 

"Ren, please," She gasped out, her back arching up in an attempt to get him closer. 

He didn't give her what she wanted, instead pulling back and licking the taste of her from his lips. He leaned up, completing the job of removing his suit pants and underwear. She glanced up, enjoying the way he looked in the low light of her bedroom. She propped herself up on her elbows, feeling flushed and exposed. She watched him retrieve a condom from his pants, and felt the need to tease him back. 

"Hoping to get lucky tonight?"   
"I was counting on it, actually,"

She didn't have to wait long, feeling the weight of him settle in between her thighs. He was slow at first, testing and teasing further by pushing himself inside of her just to pull himself out. 

"You're being mean," She whined out, though her thoughts were so foggy there was no bite behind the words. 

She heard him laugh, a bare rasp of a noise. When he was fully inside of her, she gave a thoroughly pleased groan to match his own. He was ruthless, right away, and she could tell he'd been waiting until he was healed up enough to be so ruthless. He was so rough she found herself being much noisier than usual, and she even sunk her teeth into the meat of his shoulder, leaving behind a small bite mark in his pale flesh. 

She came so hard she couldn't breathe, her body rocking with the intense shudders that wove through her. 

Ren gave her a small minute to recover before he rolled her over onto her stomach, pulling her hips up to meet him. He entered her again, causing her to grasp the sheets so firmly that her knuckles were white. She released a throaty moan, throwing her hair back as she felt his hands grasp her hips so tightly he might leave behind bruises. Her back arched, and he released a choked groan as she pushed back against him. She got her chance to tease him back, a struggle of wills as she moved slowly, until he forced her back against him with a pleasant slap of skin against skin. 

His movements became ragged and erratic, and she heard the quiet uptick in his breath. Raspy and rough, he sucked in a good deal of air, positioning himself so deeply inside of her that she released a short cry. When he came, she felt it everywhere, and his hands tightened on her. She was definitely going to have bruises. Her arms were burning a bit from having held herself up, and when his breathing slowed just a bit, she laid herself down atop her sheets with a whoosh of air. 

She felt his weight leave the bed, and while he was gone she carefully rolled over onto her back. The air was cold against her damp skin, and she felt over-saturated with sensations. Her breathing was heavy, though she slowly but surely regained control over it. Between the champagne and the activity, she knew it would be easy just to fall asleep. 

She gave a sleepy noise of comfort when she felt his weight on the bed again. He laid down beside her, his fingertips brushing her hair away from her kiss swollen lips.

♡♡♡

The rain started sometime in the middle of the night. They both drowsed, though the noise of the rain on the roof had woken them both. Rey was warm against him, tucked safely beneath her quilt. Rey made a point to avoid the thoughts that had plagued her before, that he would leave her eventually. He would realize what she was, and go. She realized, perhaps for the first time ever, that it didn't matter. She would ruin the moment looking to the future, and he was right there, right then.

"Do you regret it?" She asked, assuming he would know what she was talking about.  
"This?" He asked. "Nope, not even a little," She could hear the smile in his voice.   
"No, I mean...do you regret how things ended with us, after high school?" 

She felt his chest rise and fall as he took in a deep breath of air. 

"I regret that I hurt you," He said. "But thinking back..." He paused, seeming to decide on how he wanted to phrase his next sentence. "...Maybe neither of us were ready for what we wanted,"   
"Maybe not," She said.  
"Do you?"   
"I used to think that I did," She began. "But I'm now struck with the feeling that maybe things ended up exactly the way they were supposed to," 

He laughed, a silent chuckle. 

"Okay," She said. "I'll move in," She didn't feel like she was relenting, exactly. She wanted to.   
"I'm beginning to see a pattern in how I convince you to do things," 

She gave him a small, painless pinch. 

They fell asleep, lulled by the sound of the rain against the windows, comforted with the thought of the whole boundless future ahead of them. 

And in the morning, he was still there.

♡♡♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so, we come to the end. i'm a bit melancholy about this one, i had a lot of fun writing it, despite feeling as if it wasn't ever quite up to snuff. 
> 
> this might be the end of the relyo fic for me, for now. unless you see and/or come up with a really sweet au idea and you think "wow that dark and terrible chick would be awesome at this". feel free to send me any ideas, if you have 'em. 
> 
> also, this probably ended up being dirtier than i intended. i figured what the hell, last chapter. who knew these two soft weirdos had it in em?   
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> PS  
> thank you so much for all of your encouragement, and to those of you who stuck it out 'til the end!! your interaction with me means more than you'll ever know!!! <3<3


End file.
